STITCH'S PLAYGROUND

Everybody Is Kung Fu Fighting!

2012-02-11T09:29:00.000-05:00

I have now been in Korea for six months and I recently decided do something that would allow me to have an opportunity to experience a little bit more of the Korean culture. Not to mention allow me to do something that is not only completely foreign to me, but also put me outside my normal comfort zone both physically, mentally, and linguistically.

I signed up to take Kumdo classes with a friend, who thankfully speaks Korean fluently and can help me with translations when necessary. Other than the occasional assistance by her, I am enrolled in class where everyone around me including the master instructor is speaking Korean. By immersing myself more into the culture not only am I gaining an unique cultural experience but it also forces me to learn more of the language which I struggle with.

So what is Kumdo you ask?

Kumdo is a form of Korean martial arts and is an offshoot of the Japanese martial art of Kendo. The term kumdo means "way of the sword" and is a martial arts class that trains students in using weaponry, specifically a wooden broad sword (two-hand grip). Kumdo was introduced in the late 1800's and was initially used as form of training for military police and special forces.

Individuals also wear a garment that includes a top and a flowing bottom called dobok that both ties and is Velcroed in place (also good for the posture). The wooden sword that students use is called a jukdo and armor is called hogu. When students spar, points (gigeomche) are scored for a hit on the head, torso, and wrist. However, in order to score the point opponents must call out the body part in which they intend to strike (why you hear them screaming all the time during matches).

While the sport itself focuses on sharping the mind, body, and spirit it is definitely a workout for the 90 minutes of classes I am taking. My body is definitely not as young as it used to be, and I am certainly out of shape. I am hoping this will also help me onto the pathway of permanent weight loss, but more importantly getting myself back into shape. Unfortunately, I have been dealing with some painful and chronic Achilles tendonitis in my left foot, which also happens to be the planting foot in Kumdo.

On the plus side, my cardiovascular endurance is improving and I am finally able to participate in class without my knee brace. I am hoping that by continuing to strength my legs, I can reduce the chronic knee inflammation as well.

The purpose of Kumdo is more about discipline, as with most martial arts, then who is the biggest bad ass. I am constantly corrected in class on my form, posture, and positioning, rather than how good I am with my jukdo (sword). In fact our instructor said that for every 100 people who join, only 30 people actually stay it in long enough to be tested for armor. And for the 30 that are tested only 4 make it to the 1st level ranking.

As for me I am just grateful for the chance to exercise and engage in an unique cultural experience. And the happy hours on Fridays after class with my instructor and classmates enjoying another Korean experience involving drinking and food (where I have tried fermented rice wine, silk worms, raw squid that was still moving, and sea cucumber).

And while my instructor may be an expert in Kumdo. I did drink him under the table.

The Heart of the Matter

2012-02-11T08:56:00.000-05:00

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again

It has been a struggle some days. I have had some really great days of late. Having a few of my colleagues transition from co-workers to good friends. Movie nights and homemade chicken tacos sitting on the floor and laughing. Noticing that my clothes are getting slightly looser. Being accepted into a doctoral program.

I had some okay days. Working twelve to fourteen hours a day trying to design curriculum for five classes. Finding empty an e-mail inbox because very few people keep in touch anymore. Struggling to get a bank account set up so I can send money home to pay bills. Wishing I could do more to help my family who continues to struggle financially. Looking for a new job.

And I have had some crappy days, too. Trying not to let the suffocating pressure of loneliness bring me down. Seeing my mother on Skype and trying not to cry, because I miss her hugs. Wishing I could tear my heart out, so I would stop thinking of him...and loving him.

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Even if, you don't love me anymore

I think we all have our moments of insecurities or feeling like we are just not good enough for anyone to love us. Some of us get luckier than others. Others never seem to get a lucky break. I am really trying to figure out if I am one of those people who are just down on their luck in love, or who will never any luck in love at all.

Some days I feel like I am going through the motions, and other days I are just joyful and full of possibility. I moved so far away from him, so that when I went around the corner I wouldn't have to run into him. That every place I went to, wouldn't be a reminder of what we shared together for almost three years.

And yet, I find myself thinking of him more and more. Of wishing he was here to share this with me, and hoping that I will see him around the next corner. Is this my heart breaking all over again, or am I just too weak to truly let him go?

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Gotta put it all behind you 'cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

The heart of the matter is love is not the easiest emotion to let go off. Break-ups are like deaths, in that you never get to have the goodbyes you deserve. I spent almost three years of my life with someone who was also a friend. And in the end, our break-up was anti-climatic and over FaceTime, half way around the world. All of the tears were from my end.

I know it seems like every time I post, or even mention him I seem upset or depressed. But it's hard to explain. I just know that I have some really good days, some okay days, and some crappy days. Lately the good days out weigh the crappy ones, but the crappy ones still hurt all the same.

I wanna be happily ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness,
Even if, you don't love me anymore....

All I keep asking myself, is what will happen to me a year from now? The past few years have been full of surprises. When I started this blog over five years ago, I didn't picture graduate school, a move to North Carolina, having a three year relationship, moving overseas, doing endurance events for charity, or even starting a doctoral program. All of these things have been really good and yet unexpected things.

I am not without hope that maybe he won't see the light or change his ways. But my head is also telling me to grow up and wake up. To realize, there will be no changing him, and no happy ending in that case. Just right now the darkness is threatening me, and I am afraid that I am turning into a cynic. I just would like to take a deep breath in, without feeling like my heart is going to explode.

Tonight, as I was walking home from the coffee shop with my iPod on shuffle, an old song came on, that I hadn't heard in a while. And for some reason, the lyrics gave me comfort. As much I am hurting right now, and have been for awhile, I know that the pain will not last forever. That soon the scars will be all that remain, and that someday I will find someone who is not so afraid of this heart of mine.

We're only human, baby
We walk on broken ground
We lose our way
We come unwound
We turn in circles, baby
We're never satisfied
We'll fall from grace
Forget we can fly
But through all the tears that we cried
We'll survive

Till then my friends, please bear with me. Thanks for staying with me through it all.

Happiness of One Becomes the Joy of All

2012-01-02T09:18:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to all my blog readers, and to those of you who come to my page and lurk on occasion. It seems like I have gotten into the habit of updating this page about once a month. Despite the fact that no one still visits my page, my blog has always been a way for me to let off some of the steam that builds up from time to time. For that reason only, I keep blogging even when it has become apparent that no one still pays any attention anymore.

2011 has been a year of change for me. I quit my job. Left my home country. Walked away from a relationship of 3 years. I have a feeling 2012 will also be a year of change for me. In the next couple of months I need to start planning about what I am going to do job wise for the next year. Should I stay in Korea, go work in another country, or find my way back home where I no longer feel like I have so many friends waiting for me anymore?

This past year has been full of ups and downs. I have found joyful moments in the weddings of several friends, the announcements of new babies on their way, and reconnecting with a sister I hardly had seen in the past few years. I have also seen a lot of sadness walking away from a relationship that has still left a lot of wounds on my heart. I feel battle scarred and nervous about what will happen to me. I was not meant to travel this world alone, but I am not really sure anymore if I will find my life's companion. I miss my pets, and the familiarity of home.

I am happy that I decided to take this step in my life, to look back on this time years from now and I know that I lived an adventure. I journeyed abroad and stepped outside my comfort zone. I walked away from everything I knew to find out what is out there past the next bend in the road. I have had successes and have made mistakes. I am hopeful that 2012 will be an opportunity for me to find out where I really belong. I still feel adrift in many ways.

I recently been reading Paulo Coelho and find myself soaking up the words in his many books about love, loss, and life. A particular excerpt from his new book The Aleph has struck a cord with me:

"I know that I am in all the people surrounding me, and that they are in me. Together we write the Book of Life, our every encounter determined by fate and our hands joined in the belief that we can make a difference in this world. Everyone contributes a word, a sentence, an image, but in the end it all makes sense: the happiness of one becomes the joy of all."

I am going to try to understand better what fate has in store for me, what God is trying to tell me, and most importantly what place and role I have in this life. I am going to spend 2012 trying to make myself happy knowing that in the end it helps to make the world a better place. It's time to start the process of healing.

I hope this year for you, my friend, will also be a time of joy and happiness.

A Bend In The Road

2011-12-03T01:03:00.000-05:00

I seem to have gotten incredibly lax on posting regular updates to my blog, and for the few readers who still seem to care to check for updates, my sincere apologies. I think we all go through these spurts of just not wanting to say anything.

I certainly have had plenty going on in my life to write about, but I just feel like there is such a hole sometimes. I guess that is to be expected when your heart is mending over a failed relationship, and in a relationship that in so many ways was draining on not only my heart but my sense of self-worth. I cannot really say that the Canadian was a horrible person, deep down he is a really good man, it's just that I feel like I have been sucked dry.

(And in case he reads this.... I am not trying to wound you or hurt you, I am just trying to make sense of where I need to go...of how to heal myself without you. You know that you did wrong by me, and that you still have not recognized your part in this. It was not my strong personality, your belief in our volatility, or your perceived notion of arguments....it was that you were not the strong one, and I was happy to stand in the shade far too long. To make you happy, I was willing to give up everything I wanted. I am glad that you feel that you are a better person because of me, but then you got the better end of the deal every time.)

I am still friends with him, though as always this seems like a one-sided deal. He still contacts me, e-mails me, texts me....when he feels in the mood. Recently I e-mailed him stating that I felt like in many ways our friendship was like our relationship...fair-weathered. That for someone who claimed he was always okay with being alone and never being married, he certainly was putting forth a lot of effort to make sure he was not alone for the holidays. After all this is the time of year where being single and alone is probably felt most acutely. Especially when you are far from friends and family. People who are okay with being alone, don't book trips to weddings in Chicago for Thanksgiving.

The response I got was extremely typical for him. Without going into specifics I was pretty much told that I was not being forced to be his friend, and that he could put forth more effort into his relationships but then that would cut into his hobbies. How about "Thank you for sticking by me when I didn't always deserve it."?

I guess, I really should stop expecting something different. Appreciation, respect, and feeling blessed that you have someone who is always there for you, is something he largely takes for granted. I can't tell you how many times I wish I could return that selfish behavior, and give him a taste of his own medicine, but then that would change who I am. Maybe its a downfall of mine, but I will always wear my heart on my sleeve and I will always put others first before me. Sadly, he knows that. It's who I am. And I guess I have to either accept that is who he is, or just cut him loose. I am just not sure I can do it on my own, somedays it just hurts to breath because of the pain in my heart.

Life is just not really, very fair sometimes......

In other news, I have my E-2 visa after a whirlwind trip to Fukuoka, Japan and back. The sense of adventure was thrilling and I met a wonderful woman named Linda who gave me hope to believe that I could someday have what I want, that it's never too late.

I just wish I had more time to spend in Japan. I think the best part of my trip was seeing all the temples and the Japanese sumo wrestlers walking on the streets from their training school. It's a culture and history so foreign from my own. It's a quiet sort of beauty and serenity when you walk among the old temple ruins.

When I was at one of the Shinto temples, I paused and said a prayer to God, to any spirits, listening to me to strengthen my heart and help me be courageous as I cross this bend in the road. I am really hoping that I can meet whatever is going to happen to me from here on out with integrity and bravery. I just want to be fulfilled....and happy.

Sometimes when you win, you lose.

Turning Japanese

2011-11-12T08:07:00.000-05:00

Okay folks, I have had several requests for an update in my adventures in Korea, and I thought it was time to let you know that I finally have all my paperwork together and will be heading to Japan this weekend to obtain my all important E-2 visa. This is after getting permission from immigration services to extend my visa by four days so that I could leave Monday (instead of having to leave this past Thursday).

Now for most of us, going to another country involves one of two things: hopping on a plane and flying to our destination or driving across the border.

Alas, it's a little more complicated given that I am currently living on a pennisula that is next to communist China and bordered by North Korea. There is simply no driving to another country here.

And flights well just like anywhere else, last minute, are quite expensive. So tomorrow I will be taking a train to the coast of South Korea to a city called Busan (Pusan) which is a popular destination place in the summer because of its many crowded beaches. I will be staying overnight in Busan, and then getting on a ferry to make a three hour ocean crossing (Korean Strait in the Sea of Japan) to Fukuoka, Japan where the closest embassy is located. (see map below).

After my three hour ocean voyage I will have to jump into a taxi and rush to the embassy in order to file my paperwork before 3pm that day. Then I have the rest of the day to relax before repeating the same process all over again the next day in reverse (embassy to ferry to train to home). All to be back at work bright and early on Wednesday morning for my formal observation by my boss. Already wishing it was next week.

But since it has been a month since my last update, here are a few more things about the culture and life of South Korea.

Korean Parents:
It certainly has been nice to be respected in the profession of teaching again, by students and by parents. I had parent-teacher conferences last week and while I hear that there is some discrepancies between how Korean and American teachers are treated (Korean parents do not have a problem arguing with Korean teachers), my experience was pretty good. Not only did I feel like a professional (something that is lacking in education in the States) but I was treated like one by many of the parents. Most bowed and thanked me for my time in educating their children. Why do we find saying "Thank you" to teachers so hard in the states?

The Korean "Rush":
One frustrating aspect of Korea is that everyone, and I mean everyone waits to the last minute to do anything. You will spend weeks in a meeting at work discussing whatever is supposed to happen, and then the day before or even the day off (which is even more common) everything is just thrown together. For me, who is at times such a type A personality and likes having everything organized and ready to go, I really hate being told I have to do something or change something at the last minute. While this is something that certainly bothers Westerners, most experienced teachers and expatriates respond by saying "Welcome to Korea". And for the most part, social gatherings of any kind are also usually late notice. (in fact as I write this I got a text message for beer)

Pepero Day:
While Halloween is recognized over here as being a cultural fad, an important holiday just passed on Friday (11.11.11) which is Pepero Day. For those of you not familiar with Pepero (or Pocky Sticks as some people call them), Pepero is a cookie stick often covered in chocolate and sometimes nuts as well and some cookies are also filled with chocolate. On this day people buy and exchange Pepero with friends, classmates, and teachers. In fact there is so much Pepero being passed around I was referring to my students as having the "Pepero Shakes" after 8 hours of sugar intake. And yes, I had my share as well from the many students who brought me a box or two.

For the makers of Pepero which for the most part is the megacorporation, Lotte, it's a huge money maker over here.

Dating or Lack Off:
I have been pursuing the dating boards to get an idea of what the dating situation would be like over here if I decided to start dating again, and most of it is in two categories: 1. Korean men looking for foreign woman (hook-up) 2. Military men looking for foreign woman (wife) or Western girl (hook-up).

So I have a feeling that as far as my dating prospects go here, nothing is going to happen. Not that I don't have hope that love will find me, I am just being realistic that is not probably something on my future horizon.

As for the Canadian, him and I still talk and have been on friendly terms but the dude has his head stuck up his ass. Not to be so crude here but we were together for three years and in many ways things have not changed, even though we are no longer together. He still says one thing and does something completely different. And the one thing that does not change is he takes me for granted, still.

I am still just something he feels the need to jerk around. He loves me but won't commit, he misses me but won't come see me, he needs me but won't be there for me. And in his world he still thinks there is a woman out there who is going to be okay with his selfishness. Because in the end that is what it has been for three years, I sacrifice everything and bend over backwards and he only offers up what he wants.

Somedays, I just want to delete him permanently from my life. And then there are others, when I miss him so much it hurts. Love sucks sometimes, you can't chose who you fall for, nor can you chose how long it will take your heart to heal.

So friends.....are you still reading?

Baby, You're Not Lost

2011-10-01T05:14:00.000-04:00

Hello friends and fellow bloggers. I figured it was time to check in with another update on my life here in Korea and how things are going.

I have been in Korea for almost two months and still am waiting on the government to get my paperwork in order so I can obtain my E-2 visa. I have another month before things become problematic. So I could really use some prayers and good thoughts from everyone that this is cleared up soon.

I have been enjoying teaching here in Korea, I find myself smiling more through out the day, then I had ever done my past three years of teaching in North Carolina. I think just the environment alone is refreshing. I am treated like an experienced, competent educator and my opinions are appreciated. I am complimented frequently on my teaching, and have heard some positive feedback. I no longer live in fear of losing my job everyday nor having standardized tests to mark my success as an educator. Instead I can concentrate on those moments that got me into teaching....the smiles on the faces of my students when they are enjoying a lesson or the joy in learning itself. I missed that.

I also went to Itaewon which is probably the place in Seoul where you can find the largest amount of Westerners since it is near the military base. Reminds me a lot of college except dirtier and a whole heck of a lot seedier (we even had some Taco Bell). Lot of alcohol and there is no open container policy here in Korea so most of the people walking around are little far from sober. Most of the men you encounter are looking for...well a piece of ass. Which probably speaks volumes when there is placed named Hooker Hill in Itaewon. Probably not an experience I am going to subject myself to anytime soon, but at least I had the experience of it.

I also hurt my medial ligament in my right knee for the 4th time in about 7 years. I have to say that the medical care and service here in Korea honestly puts America to shame. I paid out of pocket and including an x-ray, orthopedic consult, and 30 minutes of DENS therapy I paid a total amount of about 30 dollars. When I was in the states and had medical insurance I was paying around 40 dollars just for a co-pay. And I have to say they took my injury a lot more seriously than my last experience in the states when I was at the orthopedic surgeon in Charlotte who sort of brushed me off despite my history and my family history of knee problems.

After 5 days of therapy, I am able to walk on my knee without a pronounced limp but I still cannot put any sort of weight on it (such as squating or going down on my hands and knees). I am going to look into getting an MRI done when I finally get everything squared away with the visa.

In other news, the Canadian and I have broken up. About 2 weeks from our three year anniversary. I knew it was coming, and honestly it had been coming for several months but it still hurts. I love him, and I really wish things were different. I wish he didn't have those issues that prevents him from taking the next step, and I wish he loved me enough to want to get help for it. But he doesn't and I can't do it anymore. It is not fair, and I am exhausted. But it really fucking sucks. I am hurting friends, and right now really wishing I had my girls to take me out. Or least throw some cliches at me.

I am making some friends however, and it has been really nice to have my sister and her friends around who have taken me under their wing. Last night we went to Ryan's (my sister's best friend and a girl I also knew from college) and we sat up on the roof on a blanket drinking wine in Hanti and taking in the spectacular views of the city all around us. It was one of those moments that you wish you could bottle up or least press the pause button. It felt good to be surrounded by some good people. I also had the opportunity to go off with them this weekend to go hiking in the mountains but unfortunately a work obligation prevents me from doing so.

Instead I am going to go to dinner tonight with another teacher I have meet here in Yongin. We literally met at the street corner. If anything, just being here has increased my social calendar. I am hoping it will be a great opportunity to make a new friend and perhaps get a travel buddy for the winter holidays.

I miss my friends and family. I wish you all could be here with me, to experience this incredible journey. I promise to post more pictures soon. And keep praying for me friends, and hope that this heart of mine mends soon.

Happy Chuseok

2011-09-13T06:34:00.000-04:00

I am now at the four week mark here in Korea, and really there is no change in the status of my E-2 visa except that my second set of fingerprints are currently being processed at the FBI for a second attempt at an apostille of an FBI background check at the State Department.

But I figured I give you an update on my life here in Korea with some of the major highlights from the past couple of weeks:

Korean Baseball

I went to my first Korean sporting event in Seoul. It was a baseball game against the LG Twins and the Lohtep Giants. I have to say that watching baseball in Korea is an experience.

Tickets are relatively inexpensive in general admission seats, and it is a first come-first serve on what seats you get in those sections. So if you are traveling with a large group of people, you may be wise going to the stadium early especially during the playoff season. We arrived about 45 mintues prior to game time, and by the time the first pitch was thrown some late arrivals were forced to sit on the steps in the aisle ways. Apparently there is no such thing as a fire marshall at these stadiums.

Food and drinks are sold in the stadium but most of the people purchase their food and drinks including very inexpensive beer just outside the stadium at one of the many stalls or convienence stores along the strip. The stalls sell some of the typical food fare found in American baseball stadiums, but no where else can you buy some squid jerky. We passed on the squid jerkey and rice cakes and bought some fried chicken from KFC.

Korean baseball games are definitely team events. Each side wears the colors and jerseys of their favored team, and of course there is a sprinkling throughout the stadium of MLB gear. As a Clevelander, it makes me somewhat proud to see all the Indians baseball apparel throughout Korea. It is as popular if not more so then Yankee and Red Sox gear, this is of course due to the fact that Indians have Korean slugger Shin-Soo Choo on their team. Since he is such a major figure here in Korea, many Koreans walk around with Tribe gear on. Not really supporting Cleveland so much as their hometown hero. But I am not going to complain. =)

As each team is up to bat, a man who you could equate to a team majorette comes out of the stadium wearing a jersey, whistle, and white gloves. He then proceeds with the help of the team cheerleaders to lead the team's fans in group cheers. Given that most stadiums here can hold about 30,000-40,000 fans, you can imagine the noise. Each player on the team, has their own cheers that the fans chant when they are up to bat, and it is hard not to join in at some point. While the words are all in Korean some of the popular chants are set to tunes familiar to most Americans...think "Dancing Queen".

I would definitely recommend you check out my Facebook page where you can see some of the photos and videos (of the chants) that I have uploaded from the game.

My next Korean sporting event is soccer in two weeks.

School Retreat

I went on a school retreat last week for three days in the mountains with the secondary students and teachers. While it rained for a couple of those days, being up in the mountains away from the concrete jungle of Seoul and its surrounding areas was certainly breath taking. While some of the kids complained about being "sick" due to withdrawl from cell phones and electronic devices, most of the kids had a great time.

While I wish I had more time to soak in some of the gorgeous mountain views at the camp we stayed out, most of the time was booked up with events. We did an Amazon rope course the first day we arrived to help build some team spirit for the students and teachers, while day 2 and 3 involved doing a zip line course or horseback riding.

For those of you who know me, I was so pumped to do the zip line, but was told I couldn't because "I am too big" (as translated to me). Korea is somewhat discriminate against size, and women are preferred to be both petite and meek. Given my height and my frame, I am definitely an abnormality. So I wasn't surprised that I was told no, while my male co-workers who were around the same size as me were allowed to use the zip line. Not fair, but sometimes you also have to put up with some of the negative parts of another person's culture.

Chuseok

This past weekend while Americans were remembering the events of 9/11, most Koreans were making a mass exodus from the cities back to their hometowns for the Korean Thanksgiving called Chuseok. Chuseok which is in the past a fall festival, is a time to for Koreans to reconnect with family members over large amounts of food and a time to reflect on those loved ones who they have lost. In many traditional celebrations of Chuseok, family members visit the tombs of dead relatives to bring food, burn incense, and keep the memorial site tidy. This ritual is probably more common in the rural areas and with the older generation. In the cities those people who stayed invited friends and family over for a communal meal.

For me and some of my co-workers we had a pot luck meal, I brought kimchi pancakes and a homemade dumpling soup. Nice time with the co-workers and an opportunity to bond over our common love of food. As usual my cooking was a hit.

Homesickness

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I have been gone from a month, and some of the homesickness has started. I hated shopping for clothes before, and I hate it worse now. Shoes are so inexpensive here, but so unavailable since most Korean shoes for women stop around a 245 (size 7-7.5).

I watched the Browns game over a live stream on the internet, and not surprisingly, even though I am 7000 miles away, they are still playing like they always do....stupid mistakes and a lack of offense. The views of Cleveland skyline, Browns fans, and the stadium itself made me think of how I always loved the fall season in Ohio. I will miss it.

The Canadian. I have not talked to him in three weeks. We both decided to take a break and discuss our relationship after he came back from Canada. I recognize that this is the end of a relationship that for me has been flat-lining for a while. But it still hurts. I am lonely. Most of my co-workers who on average are 7 years younger than me are married. Even my sister is in a relationship.

Worse, my sister brought up the ex-boyfriend who shall not be named. Even though it has been ten years, what still hurts is that she still does not get that she broke the "sister rule", that sisters should come before men. She became friends with this ex-boyfriend while we were dating, and even when things turned very sour she refused to understand how I felt about their continued friendship. Some of the things that happened between him and I, have stayed unsaid because well it was between us, and it was 10 years ago. Still didn't make me feel good that she still thinks it is okay to talk about him in front of me, and even worse when she made the comparsion between him and the Canadian. Sort of hitting below the belt.

In all, I am doing okay. I been so busy I really haven't had time to think about him (the Canadian) or missing home. But at night, when it is just me, it's really tough. I miss friends, and hoping someone sends me mail soon.

By the way, this is my view from my classroom window. Not a bad thing to look at everyday while you are at work.

More Hassles

2011-08-23T08:51:00.000-04:00

As my second week living in South Korea is passing by, I find most of my time is taken up in preparations for a new school year. Different country, different students, but still the same hassles. The old science teacher left my classroom a mess and I found out that certain things that I had assumed would be a given working in Korea and a private school are not to be found. Such as a classroom computer. Many of my fellow teachers use their own personal laptops and take it to and from school everyday. Not really a possibility for me considering my laptop is taped together to prevent it from falling apart. Not to mention that the battery no longer charges or holds a charge.

I also assumed that I would have some sort of advancement in technology. I don't even get a projector for my classroom, which means I have to go back to old school notes. I was so dependent on power points, multimedia presentations, and the internet to engage my students. Now I have to rethink a few things.

Last weekend, I learned to navigate the extensive subway system of Seoul and the surrounding areas as me a few fellow teachers ventured to the bookstore in Seoul. We could learn a lot in the US about transportation from the Koreans. Not only were the subways very clean and easy to navigate (thanks to signs posted in Korean and English), but felt safer on the subways here than you do in some major cities in the US. Not to mention the fact that the subway far from Yongin to Seoul (about an hour subway ride) was approximately 3 dollars each way.

Living in a country whose national language is hundreds of years older than America, serves as a reminder that many places have been around a lot longer than our own country. I love being American, but sometimes I feel like more Americans should be humbled by visiting places with such a rich culture and history like Korea. Not that it has been easy for Korea, being stuck between Japan and China they still continue to carve out their own individuality among the different Asian nations. And while I am so used to the "melting pot" of America, it is strange to know that you stick out amongst the crowd over here (one downside to Korean culture). I have continued to be a point of interest for Koreans, mostly the very young and the older men who are fascinated by my size and height. I feel like Big Foot.

However, with everything still unclear with my background check and visa, I still have the stress of no E-2 visa continually horse collaring me. I have not had a chance to really feel a part of Korea yet because of what is going on back home. Today, it got even more complicated when I had my first contact from the State Department to only tell me that my documents are missing. Whether it is the fault of UPS or the State Department, the only thing I am aware of is that somewhere in Washington my background check with all my personal information is floating around. Prayers, good thoughts, and well wishes would be very helpful right now.

I cried at work during my faculty meeting because of the stress of this nightmare of procuring an apostille, and I hate crying. Especially in front of people in public. Thankfully, I seem to be at a work environment where so many people have embraced and prayed for me. The adminstrative manager today kindly dropped everything to rush me over to the Bundang police station to redo finger prints, and then called FedEX to send a courier over to mail my application to the FBI. He also kindly took me to lunch and paid for it saying, "You had a rough day, you need a cheeseburger."

If anything, I know I am at a better place work wise this year, than last year for that alone. I just wish the hassle of this background check was resolved. It is still the last document I need to apply for my E-2 visa.

I am hoping when I update again in a week or so, I will have better news my friends. In the meantime enjoy the photos (from this past weekend in Seoul) and be sure to leave a comment on what you would like to see from me.

First Impressions: Korea

2011-08-15T21:15:00.000-04:00

Greetings from Korea! I have been in Korea now for four days and I thought I would take time to list some of my first impressions about this journey I am now on.

Flying:

American airlines have nothing on the Asian airlines. I flew Delta from Cleveland to Minneapolis and from there to San Francisco. At six feet tall, there is not a lot of room to stretch your legs and I sat in the aisle. Therefore, I got the privilege of getting my elbows constantly hit by the beverage cart or anyone walking by. I left Cleveland at 7am and arrived in San Francisco about 8 hours later. Since Delta does not serve any food on their flights including my 4 hour flight to San Francisco I arrived feeling starved by the time I got to the departure gate for my Seoul flight.

For my San Francisco to Seoul flight I was on Singapore Airlines. Not only did I have ample room in economy to stretch and a window seat, but the Asian airlines go out of their way to make you feel like a rock star even in economy. We got two full meals served plus snacks inbetween, free beverages including wine and beer, and our own tv console with a remote to control what movies, tv, or video games we wanted to watch. They gave us warm washcloths to wash our faces, free socks, free toothbrushes, and a free headphones. Probably the best possible experience I could have flying 13 hours on just one flight.

I met some interesting people on my flights. I met a wholesale wine buyer who was flying to Napa Valley on business. His job? To spend 3 days in Napa Valley at the different wineries sampling wine and deciding which wineries to take on as clients. And I met a woman living in Indonesia with her husband who works for the oil company. She had 2 more flights after Seoul including a 3 hour bus ride to get back home.

Seoul Traffic:

Driving in Korea is not for the faint of heart, nor for the passenger who is faint of heart. It took us 2 hours to get from the airport to Yongin (approximately a 30 minute drive). I learned that Koreans use their car horns like it's their business, and it's pretty much every man for themselves on the road. Numerous accidents, and numerous near misses.

The GPS systems installed in their cars have a sleeker design and better technology. It would make the Garmins we use in America look like old Nintendo systems. Larger vehicles also have special mirrors installed on the back window so they can see their bumpers and the bumpers of other cars when parking.

Which brings me to parking: people park everywhere. On sidewalks. In cross walks. In street intersections.

Housing:

My apartment is approximately the size of my bedroom in my old apartment in Charlotte. Although my apartment has some modern amenities like built in closets, a coded entry for my door and the building, and a pretty back splash in the kitchen; there are some things you have to get used to.

There are no shower stalls, most apartments have a shower head in the bathroom next to the sink and a drain in the bathroom floor. Everything gets wet. And no shower curtains are needed. They have washers but no dryers. You hang everything on a clothesline or a drying rack. Windows have one screen which you can slide back and forth between both windows.

Weather:

Charlotte may be hot. Cleveland may be humid. But Korea in summer is like Hades in July. Not only is it hot but very, very muggy and humid. There is no sense in worrying about how you look in summer, because chances are if you are outside for more than 5 minutes you are sweating.

And since the monsoon season is wrapping up it has rained pretty much every single day. Even Cleveland is sunnier this time of year.

Getting Around:

Americans could take a page out of the Korean book when it comes to transportation. I have already navigated the subway, buses, and taxis. And all experiences have been pretty good. Couple of things to note though:

1. There is no concept of personal space in Korea. They pack the buses as full as possible. And no one waits for you to get off the bus before they are getting on the bus. Same thing in the subways.

2. Most taxi drivers don't speak English so I had someone from school write down my address in Korean and I just hand that to the taxi drivers. Being able to give some directions in Korea: right, left, straight, etc are also helpful.

3. There are red buses, yellow buses, green buses, white buses. Yellow taxis, black taxis, silver taxis. Red subway line, yellow subway line, green subway line, blue subway line, etc. While their transportation system is extensive it is also confusing as hell. Having someone with you to show you how to navigate makes things easier. Luckily my first subway and bus experiences were with my sister who has been living here for a year.

Social Outings:

Koreans like to drink. I went to an all you can eat and drink buffet at the Seoul Intercontinental Hotel Lobby on Saturday. In America such fancy hotels would be very reserved during "happy hour". Not in Korea, but the time 9pm rolled around I don't think there was any table who had people completely sober. People were getting up and giving toasts, clapping, singing, and doing the "wave". Considering this was only 9pm...you can imagine what must happen later in the night.

Unlike Americans though drinking also involves food. Most Koreans will stop at one destination have food and drink and then continue on to the next destination and repeat those steps all over again.

Shopping:

Holy Moses! Do Koreans like to shop. It might be because I came in during the holiday but their malls and stores are packed. I went to E-mart which is similar to Target and it was a zoo. In fact it is so busy you try and put your cart as close to the shelves as possible otherwise people can't get by.

Certain things are cheap, and others are not. Coffee, butter, meat, cheese, and fruit are double and even triple the prices then what you find in America. While other things like vegetables (except tomatoes), kimchi, and seafood are pretty reasonable if not cheaper than America.

Etiquette:

Korea is a culture that honors status and hierarchy. The shopper coming into the department store gets greeted by a formal bow and a welcome from the "greeter". Young children bow to older persons. The underlings give honorific terms to their superior. For example, as a teacher I will always be addressed by the honorific "teacher" in front of my name by my students. Thus signifying culturally I am at a higher status than my students. Novel concept.

While I am still navigating the cultural nuisances of a new country, I am confident in my decision to pursue this opportunity. I have always wanted to live abroad, and I think it is something that many Americans should do in their lives; try experiencing a culture and country different than our own. In some ways Koreans are doing things better than we do here. For example, energy conservation and recycling. Why can they do it so easily, but many cities in America still are not using more green means?

Tomorrow I start my first day of work, and get into being a foreign worker here in Korea. I am hoping that my first impressions of work are as good as my experiences so far.

Stay tuned!

Destination: Korea

2011-08-10T19:24:00.000-04:00

So begins a journey started in October when I started actively searching for jobs, and May when I finally decided to follow my dreams and move overseas. Unhappy in a relationship that was not moving forward, I decided to move forward with my life and dream. I am doing this all for me.

I was first introduced to the cultures and people of Korea through my experiences in high school attending a private school which combined both day and boarding students. I met my friend, Ja-Yun, who taught me Korean swear words, how kimchi is made, and talked about the country of her birth. She had always invited me to come visit, but I always knew coming from a poorer family that buying the ticket alone was a finance I could not afford.

Fast forward fifteen years and I am packing up two suitcases, saying goodbye to friends and family, and sadly living my two cats, Lilo and Stitch, behind. This is a journey of a lifetime, and I am so excited to see what it looks like from the other side a year from now. I am excited, scared, nervous, and overjoyed. I have that feeling of adrenaline you get in your stomach when you jump from a airplane while skydiving. Except for me I am closing my eyes and letting go from everything I know. It is an equal rush.

My friends, we never know what adventures life will take us on. And tomorrow, I will be fulfilling a dream of mine from childhood. People say you are never too old to dream, and I will add that you are never too old to fulfill childhood dreams. I hope you stay with me and accompany me on this ride, because I intend to keep this blog updated in Korea. I hope you will get to experience the life of an expatriate through my eyes.

Thanks for being here through all of this. I can promise you it's going to be a great ride!

Seriously, What's Next?!

2011-08-03T19:06:00.000-04:00

I hate turning into one of those bloggers that all they do is complain when they post, but I think I have a got a legitimate reason.

It has been six weeks since I sent m FBI CRC into the US State Department to get apostilled in order to obtain my E-2 visa for employment in South Korea. And in those weeks I have been repeatedly attempting to call the Office of Authentications only to get an answering service. The answering service takes down my information and then sends a written request over, and every single time I have done this I have gotten no responses back. I have e-mailed and gotten no responses. I have even called both of my state senators who have indicated they will try and assist me with this issue. However, government agencies have a minimum of 30 days to respond to congressional inquiries. So, I am not sure how helpful it will be.

I also called UPS to find the tracking number of the package I sent to Washington and they do not have a record of that package. So today I called the UPS store in which I shipped the package from and found out that they had changed ownership last week and will have to do some investigating to find out what happened to my package. So right now this FBI background check is in limbo. I cannot leave for Korea, nor submit paperwork for my visa until I receive it. I am running out of options and time. My job is supposed to start in 3 weeks.

On top of this my leasing apartment sent me back my security deposit and double charged me for rent. They do not recall receiving my rent payment in July when I turned in my apartment keys. Of course with my luck, I gave them a money order and besides showing that I paid for the money order on my checking account I do not have the receipt belonging to the money order. They also are supposed to be calling me back when they look into their system.

I have been so organized and responsible the last few months trying to get everything together for my visa and my move overseas, and now it seems like everything is falling apart. I am unemployed with bills stacking up, and at this point I have no idea when I am living for Korea.

Lots of prayers would be helpful right now. And finding a system...government, postal, leasing, etc that runs correctly.

Waiting Game...

2011-07-18T01:27:00.000-04:00

You think with the fact that I am technically not doing anything until I move overseas that I would be living an almost stress-free life until the day I depart. Well in my life, stress is common place. Lately the stress has been due to the "waiting game" that one plays with government agencies when trying to obtain work visas for overseas employment.

In January, South Korea changed their requirements for obtaining an E-2 visa (visas for teachers). Now you have to have the following documents:

1. photocopy of your passport page
2. 4 passport photos for your alien registration card
3. apostilled copy of your college diploma
4. apostilled FBI background check
5. health information sheet
6. copies of my contract
7. signed copy of my resume
8. my first born child (kidding...)

Most of these things have at the most been time consuming to put together. You run around and stuff a document in the envelope and mail it off to one government agency or another (with money in it of course). Then you wait. And wait. And wait. See where this is going?

I am literally looking at the light at the end of this tunnel, and all of sudden the brakes have been hit. I am as Murphy's Law suggest waiting for the last document to be sent back to me before mailing the entire packet overseas for the visa application (because you can't send one document at a time). What government agency is making me wait? The US State Department.

When I applied for my FBI background check back in March I had to include a cover letter asking some nice agent to sign their name and set the official seal of US Department of Justice onto my background check to authenticate it. No real problems with that, and most people would think the document is ready to be sent. But, oh no. I now had to send the document back to to Washington to ask the US State Department to put their seal on the paper saying that the seal of the US Department of Justice is a real and not a fake seal. Confusing? Yes! Expensive? Yes. Frustrating? Absolutely.

My documents should have arrived two weeks ago as indicated by the website. However, as recently as two days ago I found out that the agency is backlogged and documents are taking 4-5 weeks to process from date of receipt. Which means it could come between now and the end of the month. The bad news? I am supposed to be in Korea by August 15th, and typically you need to have your visa paperwork in order 4 weeks prior to departure.

And for those of you who are wondering how to get hold of the US State Department's Office of Authentication....you call a number or fax your inquiry. The first 4 times I called I was informed by the automated voicemail that their mailbox was full. The fifth time I called I talked to a very nice lady, I am assuming a receptionist, who took down my information and said someone would be returning my call about the status of my background check. That was a week ago.

All I can say is it is summer time. Apparently I am not the only one not doing a lot of work during the summer.

Just Keep Breathing.....

2011-07-11T17:12:00.000-04:00

I apologize if this post is overtly emotional today, I am writing with some raw emotions right now. The Canadian just left thirty minutes ago to complete a 500 mile journey back to Charlotte. Right now we are both beginning a new journey into the unknown and on separate paths.

The tears in the last couple of days, and in the last few minutes before he left should indicate that there is a ton of emotion for both of us. You cannot question whether or not we love each other, because it's there for both of us. But what I have known from the start, is that I cannot accept anything less than my heart. I truly love this man, but I know that the situation I was in living in Charlotte was not enough. I knew that if I had stayed, it would have eventually eroded whatever feelings we had for each other.

At least now, I know we can part as friends. That if this is truly the end of it all, that I will be able to hold a special place in my heart for him. I think it's real for him now, too. All the months of talk about walking away from this relationship has come true. I don't think he thought I would do it, I know it came as a surprise for a lot of his friends. But I chose a long time ago to live my life with no regrets. I knew if I stayed I would regret not taking this opportunity.

Right now as I wipe away the tears that spill from my eyes, I keep repeating the mantra, "Everything happens for a reason". I have to believe that there is a purpose to this, not just for us, but for me as a person. I will never truly believe in love, if I don't stand up for love. If I never stand up for myself. And I am standing right now.....alone, but I am standing. I had to do this, even though it is truly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

So as the Canadian pulled out of the driveway this afternoon, I looked up into the grey, overcast sky and said, "Okay God, it's in your hands now." And as he drove out of sight, I had to remind myself to just keep breathing....

I'm Moving On

2011-06-29T16:33:00.001-04:00

T-minus two days until I move away from Charlotte and back to my parents in Cleveland for four weeks. Two more days until the inevitable, the end of my almost 3 year relationship with the Canadian. Things have been so odd between us. We both love each other. While I have been close to tears or crying in the past few weeks, I know that his break down will occur on July 10th when he flies back to Charlotte and out of my life till God knows when. You can always justify why a relationship ends when things are bad, but how do you justify things when you still love each other? I know he loves me, maybe as much as I love him. But the one thing that could have changed everything, a ring, still is nowhere to be found.

All I know is that this can't go on forever, that there was always an expiration date on this relationship. Why is this relationship ending? Because I want marriage, and he doesn't..or least he thinks so. And I know that I cannot stay and be in a relationship that doesn't end in that kind of commitment. That is not the person I am. Some ideals can never be sacrificed. I want the happily ever after, and I am not going to settle until I find it. The hardest part is my mind knows this is not working, but my heart is still holding on.

The moving truck is being picked up Friday morning and movers are coming in to help me load the truck. Weird to think by this time next week I will be back in Cleveland. Even weirder to believe that in a few months from now I will be living in another country, literally half way around the world. Life is surprising sometimes, and all I know is that whatever is up ahead for me it is nothing that I have expected.

It's hard to describe how excited and elated I am for this opportunity, while being so heart broken and so sad at the same time. I guess there is always two sides to a coin, and life is full of happiness while being laced with sadness and loss. You can't appreciate or learn from either, if you don't experience a little bit of both. But I am praying friends, that in the next few months I will see a little bit more of the happiness.

It's A Good Life

2011-06-14T16:18:00.000-04:00

The last couple of weeks have been filled with weddings, and I have another couple of invites before the new year rings in. Obviously I cannot be in attendance for every one, but I will certainly be there in spirit for all my friends who are looking forward to their big days.

A couple of beautiful ceremonies, and a lot of happiness. Really hard for me sometimes to be so happy for those I care so much about when I am hurting so much inside. I go to these things and come back with even more confidence that marriage and family is something I really want. Definitely hard not to be envious when friends are so happy, and it seems like I always seem to be so unlucky when it comes to love myself. And you can't be too jealous for your friends when we have all learned that finding love is not an easy road. There are no guarantees for any of us on finding or keeping love. I keep trying to remember that when I start turning into a sour puss.

I have two weeks left here in Charlotte before I am permanently closing the door on this part of my life and starting the next journey. So many things are still uncertain, such as, where I will be living. But if anything, these last few months I have learned to roll with the punches. I am trying so very hard to just close my eyes and let myself go these last couple of weeks. To enjoy everyone and everything that happens in it. After all, it is a good life.

My Next 30 Years...

2011-05-24T04:02:00.002-04:00

I think I'll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it's time to focus on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I'm gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I've done
Maybe now I've conquered all my adolescent fears
And I'll do better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I'm gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I'm doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I'm gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I'll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my hubby
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years

Getting It Off The Chest

2011-05-13T13:19:00.000-04:00

I am not sure why I am posting this, because frankly no one is really reading this blog anymore besides me. And honestly, I never set about blogging to draw any sort of audience base. I have always done this for me, a way to get thoughts unto paper and have a venue to just de-stress without ridicule or censure.

Even after all of this time, I am still posting because every now and then there are things I need to get off my chest. So here it goes….

1.) I am disappointed by some friends who over the last few months have stopped calling and stop texting me. Yah, you get the occasionally “like” from them on Facebook but really what ever happened to face-on-face or in some cases voice-on-voice contact for those that live further away? I know we are all busy, but I have gotten tired of calling and never getting a response back. Plus, as my mother said I have never been one of those people who wave my hands and say “Hey look at me, I am lonely over here!”, but the truth is, I am. It sucks not having someone to talk to about things that have been bothering me, stressing me, scaring me, etc.

2.) The Canadian. I know the relationship is ending, and I know things haven’t worked out the way I planned, or anyone planned for that matter. But why the non-response on what is happening? He has shown as much emotion about this huge change in our relationship dynamic as he does talking about the oil pan leak on his motorcycle. And like so many things he does in his life, he is putting it off….the emotions. He states that he will feel “more sad” as the date approaches with the same passion as a man gets about cleaning the kitchen...zilch. That has always been the biggest blockade in our relationship; he is emotionally crippled. He feels the need to be so in control of everything that he has prevented himself from enjoying so many things in his life, like unconditional love. I love him very much, but I cannot stay and it kills me that I cannot compromise myself for that. I simply cannot stand for anything but a love that will fight for me, or at least ask me to stay.

3.) I am turning 30 in less than 2 weeks. And this probably should be back up with #1, and while I may not be freaking out about turning 30, it is sad that this year I could essentially be spending my birthday alone. How sad is that, I have turned into the cat lady. The only company I will have for my birthday is my two cats. And yes, I know the birthday is on a Tuesday…but as they say it’s the thought that counts.

4.) I am scared about my decision. I am afraid of missing out on things here, and not being close enough to my family if an emergency would happen. I am afraid I will be on the other side of the world even more alone and cut off from friends as I am now. I am afraid I am never going to be truly happy.

5.) I am excited. I never, ever planned my life beyond 30 mainly because I thought I would be married at this point. So everything beyond May 24th will be a surprise because it is unexpected and unplanned. Who knows what things the year will bring?

So I think I am going to stop at #5, because even I can admit that if I post anything else I will be whining. But then isn’t it nice to just get some things off your chest every now and then?

I Am Running In A Straight Line, Running Straight To You......

2011-05-09T21:01:00.000-04:00

This is the 500th post of my five year old blog, and it is fitting that this is the post in which I officially announce that everything is changing. As some of you may have heard, I have accepted a teaching position overseas. In just 3 months time I will be closing the door on one chapter in my life and beginning a new chapter in my life living abroad in South Korea.

When I was a little girl, I imagined that if I had lived long enough to reach the age of 30 (a feat which I will reach in just 2 weeks time) that I would be a married woman with a couple of kids, a hideous minivan with car seats stuffed with week old Cheerios, and a husband who loves me but who drives me nuts at the same time.

In the past year while I have struggled to come to terms with a failing relationship in which I have invested every single drop of energy, love, and tears to a man who for many reasons both good and bad will never make a vow of commitment, I dreamed of freedom. I have felt like a caged bird beating my wings uselessly against the gilded cage I put myself in. I have forgotten the smiling, independent spirit that used to dwell in me. My dreams have been of escape.

And today I am looking at an open caged door. Beyond this cage is open skies, and the terrible unknown. I cannot really tell you what I have imagined beyond this scenario, because I never thought I would be here. I kept thinking that the Canadian would see the light, would realize what he was losing. Instead he has been supportive about this whole process, too supportive in my mind, and really unattached about the whole thing. I cry all the time when I think about the loss which I am beginning to feel, and he just shrugs his shoulders.

I used to think my mom was ancient for getting married at 30 and having me at 31. Now I realize, that unlike her, I am approaching 30 and beginning all over again. Talk about being at the crossroads, I am standing at the abyss. I have no choice but to close my eyes and jump.

When I blog sometimes, I try imagine what my posts will look like a year from now, what things will I be talking about a year from now? I cannot say that last year, my post had anything to do with a move halfway across the world. I was still dreaming of the Canadian asking me to be his wife.

I am hoping that you will stay with me, that you will in some way come with me on this journey. I need to know that I am not alone, because honestly my friends, I have felt very alone. I need to smile and laugh again, and I need to know that there are people I can turn to. Perhaps it's somewhat co-dependent but knowing that just a few of you would stay with me, helps make this process a little less terrifying.

This has happened for a reason, and somewhere in all of this chaos there is a plan for me. That all this heart ache and loss I have been feeling is just a preparation for something better. I feel as though the more I cry about the end of my almost 3 year relationship, that I am wringing the sponge dry, so that I can leave this place with an open heart.

I know that as I drive away into the sunset with my heart pounding with the excitment to come, that in my purse will be the superglue that will be needed to put the pieces of my heart back together again. I have been here before, and I know that the healing process takes time.

And for those of you who read this blog and have been through this pain, knowing that you loved someone and it was not enough, I will say even now I am not sorry that I loved him at all. That a part of me will always love him, and mourn. I can never be anything more than who I am, a flawed woman who will always keep her heart on her sleeve even though it has broken and torn. I saw him the man he could be, and for the first time in my life I believed that marriage and motherhood was more than just a dream.

But now, I think my dreams for the next year will be of me. Of letting go and letting myself just be. Letting love find me instead of worrying about being the old maid in the group. I hope that after all this time, we were waiting for each other. I hope he is running in a straight line, running straight to me.

The Mountain

2011-04-23T22:00:00.001-04:00

A beautiful photographic video of our Milky Way galaxy shot by photographer Terje Sorgjerd on El Teide in Spain. Unfortunately it's a stunning view of our galaxy that many do not have the pleasure of seeing because of pollution. The music that accompanies this video is by Ludovico Einaudi called Nuovle Bianche.

I've Been Around the World....

2011-04-21T10:03:00.000-04:00

Finally, I can post about some exciting things happening in my life. For those of you who still read my blog, you know that I have been waiting for any sort of news for a few months. I started the process of hunting for another teaching job back in November. I have used several search engines and enlisted two separate recruiting companies. I have had many phone interviews and many more e-mails exchanged between interested parties. Many second phone interviews, and hardly any responses back about a job offer.

That changed this week when I received two job offers. I have extended my search for new positions locally, nationally, and internationally. The only thing that has really taken the bite is the international search. While the American government is cutting billions of dollars in education while they continue to finance big business ventures, banking, and the war overseas; many other countries are doing the opposite. In America we have the mentality of every man for themselves, while in many other countries citizens take the issue of education very seriously. For them education is a future investment in their country and their people. It is a way out of poverty and a way into prosperity. I am certainly one of the working poor here in America as an educator, but its unbelievable the money being spent to fund education overseas.

This trend is why America is failing behind many countries in fields such as math and science. Why we continue to hire foreign workers, and send businesses overseas. I know this may hurt some people's feelings, but the Canadian works in an American database company where 80% of the company is made up of foreign workers. His bosses and co-workers are either on working visas or permanent residents.

I never thought ten years ago, that I would consider the possibility of moving overseas to help save money. But it looks like this is going to happen. My international contacts have consistently e-mailed me, called me, and answered questions while many American schools fail even to respond to phone calls about receiving my resume. And I am not tooting my horn by saying that I am very qualified in the positions I am applying for here at home. I have a masters degree in education and am highly qualified in an area that still has teaching shortages (science). More importantly I am certified as science comprehensive and have taught in Title I Schools with success (schools were 40% or more of the student population is on free and reduced lunches).

So now my options are really down to two things: 1. China or 2. Korea. Now I have had a couple of nasty comments from people calling me a traitor for going overseas to educate another country's citizens, especially in a country we are constantly in competition with. But my response back is that unlike America, my degree and my speciality is 1. wanted 2. appreciated 3. respected. There are no teaching unions overseas. Why? Because in Asia they consider teachers to be a very respected profession and are willing to pay for good teachers. I can move overseas this summer and double my salary while living in a free apartment paid for by these schools and their governments. Why? Because they are serious about educating their citizens for the future.

Now I didn't mean to give an opinion piece on education here in America, but for those of you not in the education industry it's hard for you to understand how degrading it has been to be a teacher the last few years. Our pay has been cut past the point of making a livable wage and now suggestions of pay for performance based on student performance, parent involvement, etc are in the works. How many of you go to work and are evaluated on how the person in the cubicle next to you is doing? I put a large majority of money into paying for school supplies for children that are not mine, and it's not reimbursed.

I love teaching but I have had to rethink my options, especially when what I am being paid will not put food on the table. With my qualifications and masters degree, I make less than money than a manager working at McDonald's. And I am the one responsible for educating your children.

Anyways, as it looks right now I will be moving overseas in a couple of months. I think it's time for a new start, a new opportunity, and a reinvention on myself. I have not been happy here for many months. I have lost friends who have once again moved on with their lives and shut me out from it, and a boyfriend of almost 3 years who still is not one step closer to asking me to marry him.

I should have a decision in the next couple of weeks. And once it is made, I am not turning back.

It is very likely in a few months this blog will be going international!

Starting to Mold...

2011-04-14T11:47:00.000-04:00

I thought I get a quick post in while I am busy procrastinating about grading papers at work. Really wish I had some exciting things to announce on the job front, but everything as always is up in the air. A lot of phone interviews, a lot of second phone interviews, but as of yet no offers to allow me to escape the job I have been miserable in for the past three years.

Last night as I laid on the couch watching a BBC period drama called Downton Abbey with the cats, I thought back to a Sex and the City episode where Miranda decides to buy her first apartment. For those of you not Sex and the City afficiandos, this is the episode where Miranda upon marveling in her recent career succcess decides to move to a nicer and larger apartment. Her process is neither easy nor without its own pitfalls, upon buying the place her neighbor informs her that the last tenant died in the apartment. Alone. Single. And here is the gross part, the cat had eaten half of her face.

Of course Miranda's projects these fears with her own feelings of inadequacy about being single and unmarried. That people expect her to fall because she is not sporting a fancy ring. Miranda gets so worked up about being alone, she ends up having an anxiety attack and rushes herself to the emergency room. This is immediately after having to give herself the Hemlich manuever from choking on a piece of Chinese take-out, because there was no there to help her out.

While I am not close to having any sort of anxiety attack and I certainly make sure to chew my food into small pieces, I am beginning to wonder if anyone would notice I was starting to mold if something happened to me. Besides my mother who I talk to on an almost daily basis, I have lost touch with most friends. I have left voice messages with some, and gotten told they were busy and call me back later (but never do). I have sent text messages, facebook well-wishes, and even tried to make plans.

But I really wondered last night, that if something happened to me, how long would it take before someone got concerned they had not heard from me? Would I be like that former tenant in Miranda's apartment? Would Stitch and Lilo have me for breakfast because I had killed over days ago, and no one has filled their food dish?

I am not saying that I have any ill feelings towards my friends and their busy lives, but I am beginning to wonder if I am suffering from sort of contagious disease that no one has told me about. I don't have cable, so I didn't get the news story about single women being the new wave of social lepers.

But in case you are one of the few who are still checking in on me, I haven't begun to mold yet.

Spring Is In The Air

2011-04-01T12:19:00.000-04:00

Spring is upon us, and the flowers are all in bloom. And with a change of the seasons, often come new beginnings. For me, I am hoping its a new beginning. I am praying its a new beginning. I am just waiting for my spring time to arrive.

Everything is still up in the air, and I got my hands in a lot of different plates. Do I stay, do I move home, do I leave the country? The one thing that is apparent, is that the only thing that will change any decision is a commitment and a piece of metal in the shape of a circle. I am not really holding my breath anymore. The inevitable is coming, and I am just waiting for the moment. I look at it with a detached saddness, knowing that when it does happen it will be one of the biggest heart breaks of my life. But I do know that if I stay, things will never change. And I need more than that.

Happily, my best friend is talking about coming into town at the end of the month with her husband. I am really hoping plans work out and they can come for a visit for a few days. I cannot remember that last time I went out with friends. I have called people, made plans, had plans cancelled on me, and some people have just stopped calling all together. So as desperate as I am for a change, and I am also in desperate need of some friends. A night out, some laughter, and memorable moments. I need something to celebrate, besides my boring, stagnant life.

Questions Without Answers

2011-03-13T17:29:00.000-04:00

It's been a few weeks since posting, and nothing new has happened. Everything is still up on the air, I guess the worst part of all of this is I really don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I stare at my cell phone and just end up putting it back on the table. Seriously, I just can't put forth the effort to talk to most of the people on my contact list. I guess its probably because they can't really give me any answers to the questions I have.

Still trying to figure out the direction my life is taking me right now, and really trying to come to the realization that no matter what happens down the road in the next few months, something is changing. I really don't want to say that I am depressed, but I really can't say that I am happy either. I guess I am just tired. Tired of this life, and tired of going through the motions of being happy and content. I just want to rip the walls down in my life and start all over again. Find a nice barrel of gasoline and torch it all. Walk away, and just start again.

I feel real anxious, I have been looking and searching and nothing has turned up. But then I been asking myself have I really been trying that hard? In some ways yes, and some ways no. I guess the hardest part is that there really is no solid answers to the questions that have been swirling in my mind for the last few months. I am dizzy and lost.

Waiting...

2011-02-07T11:56:00.000-05:00

Right now I am playing the waiting game. There has not been any new information on the job front, instead I am waiting to hear back after my second phone interview. The sad thing is that I really want to this job, but I have this unfortunate habit of not getting anything that I want. I am afraid I am going to get so worked up over this, and find out they don't want me for this job after all.

So in the mean time I am waiting....

Storms

2011-02-01T16:14:00.000-05:00

If I were to summarize the events of my life over the past few months, even the past several weeks, I would say that my life right now is like a storm. One of those rolling thunderstorm systems you see accumulating in the distance over the ocean. The black-purple clouds forming like staggering mountains in a dark black sky, punctuated every now and then by orange-red flashes of light. Nature's fireworks as the electrical activity of the lightning illuminates the sky. That's my life right now.

I always loved the storms as a kid, as long as they stayed in the distance and didn't intrude on my life. Beautiful, scary, and awesome these storms can bring destruction or new life. Right now a storm is brewing on my life's horizon and on the other side of this storm is my future. Whether it will be ruin or new beginnings, I am not sure yet.

I had my second phone interview the other day for a job which I am beginning to want more and more. I haven't told many people yet what this job entails, because I really don't want to get excited and then have it blow up in my face. But certainly, if this job is offered, I will be leaving behind a path of destruction as I start a new journey. The biggest change will be my relationship with the Canadian. I am at a crossroads, and taking this job would mean I am moving on from this relationship. A different path then what I have been imagining for the last two years.

When I was little I used to think that turning 30 was old. In just a few months I will be 30 and I have never allowed myself to dream beyond that age. I always thought I be like my mom, married and having a family at 30. If this job is offered to me, my future is completely unknown. I have never dreamed behind this date. What a scary, yet wonderful idea.

A storm is coming.

Show Me The Way

2011-01-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

God, show me the way. What is meant to be, will be. Set my feet on the right path. Give me the courage and confidence to accept what life brings and to make the right choices for me.

I'm Still Here

2011-01-20T22:51:00.000-05:00

I'm still here. Present, still moving along, and utterly turned about when it comes to the direction my life seems to be going these days. But in all, I am still here.

Frankly, my friends I have been away so long, only because I really have nothing much to say. Rather, I really don't know what is happening with my life right now. I still feel this sense of "unrest". I recently watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love with Julia Roberts, and felt myself connected to the main character herself. I am nearing 30 in just a matter of months, and already feel like I am nearing a mid-life crisis. Except unlike her I am not burdened by an unhappy marriage, rather I feel as though I am not living up to my potential.

I love my life and yet I hate it. I love my job but yet I hate it. I love my current situation yet I hate it. Perhaps I am just one of those malcontents, destined to see the glass as being always half empty.

In the last few weeks, I have sort of tossed everything up to fate. As my mother has always said, "It is, what it is. What will be, will be." Now mind you, I am not really sitting on my butt feeling sorry for myself, I actually have started looking at recruiting agencies for a new job. I even have a school wanting to interview me for a new teaching position. It could be an opportunity of a lifetime if it works out, and a change in my life forever. Perhaps it is something that I need?

I hope you, my friend, are also finding your path on this life. As a wise sage once said, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

Beliefs vs. Ideals

2010-11-14T19:19:00.000-05:00

Recently I started teaching my unit on Evolution in my Biology classes. I always preface this unit with a discussion on what scientific theories are. When we discuss scientific theories in science classrooms we are talking about scientific explanations that are supported by evidence, research, and sound experimentation. Theories as far as scientists are concerned need to be able to follow the following criteria: 1.) They need to be testable. 2.) They need to measurable 3.) They need to repeatable.

I use this explanation to preface that we don't get into religious discussions in a science classroom because as scientists there is no tool we could create or invent that could test what "faith" is. Nor could we measure who has more faith than another person. Instead I ask that my students keep an open mind, and that as scientists I encourage their questions. Science is about seeking answers, not about asking someone to change their belief system. This approach has always resulted in a positive outcome for many of my students.

However, this year I am teaching an Inclusion Biology class and my Inclusion teacher is to put it mildly a "Bible Thumper". He does not believe in Evolution, and tries very hard to convince these kids that Evolution has as much foundation as the tooth fairy. The worst part is while my students were watching a movie, he spent the entire time trying to convince me that Evolution can be disproved by the Bible. He is another close-minded individual who believes if we have to "force" kids to learn evolution that we should also have to teach Creationism.

When I had mentioned to him that the ideas of Creationism only touch on one religion and discriminate against many other belief systems, he pretty much try to convince me that other religions were "wrong". I then began to mention how the Catholic church itself has issued statements from the Vatican, claiming that the theory of evolution is just another way to explain how the world works. His response to that was "Catholics are not real Christians".

I am sorry what is a real Christian supposed to look and act like? I believe in God, and I believe that theory of evolution through the means of natural selection is also the best answer to how species change over time. I just sort of looked at him, and shook my head. The man is a very nice guy, and has the best of intentions, but how do you tell someone that you can be a good person and have some really wrong ideals.

He preceeded to tell me that he sits down with his children and goes through articles by Christian scientists who disprove evolution. In other words, he assumed that scientists who support evolution are atheists. I have nothing against him, and what beliefs or ideals he wants to teach his own children is his perogative. However, as an educator you have to be open-minded and understand that not every student walks into the classroom will have the same beliefs or ideals as you.

The saddest part of all, is that many kids fear asking questions about such controversial ideas because of people like my Inclusion teacher who so adamantly belief that any other idea is completely wrong. Kids should be able to ask questions, and if need be find the truth for themselves.

"Royal Flushes"

2010-10-25T21:35:00.000-04:00

Alright peeps. You have heard it from me before, and you are going to hear it from me again. I need your help! My friend Jo is raising money for Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis. She is doing this in memory of her cousin, Randy, and she has ALWAYS donated for me when I was fundraising for Team in Training.

While I may not know anyone who suffers from these afflictions, I have suffered from IBS since childhood and dealing with those issues for me has been at times mentally and emotionally taxing. I can only imagine what that must be like for those people who GI issues far outpace mine.

She is raising $3600 and needs another $1600 by her deadline in 3 weeks. She is not asking for a lot, just a dollar per mile that she is running (half-marathon). So please check out this link for Jodi and her team the "Royal Flushes".

GO TEAM!

Ultimatum

2010-10-25T21:12:00.000-04:00

Today is the second anniversary of the first date between the Canadian and me. Our first date came shortly after he initiated communication with me on Match. I had joined the site a couple months after moving down to North Carolina from Ohio, and after several years off the dating market. I had decided I was finally in a place to start looking for that potential Mr. Right. Ironically, two days after signing up, I got a "wink" from the Canadian. And the rest is history....

We went to this really fancy restaurant in Charlotte called Capital Grille for our anniversary date on Saturday. We had dined there the year before and loved our experience so much, we decided to go back. While broke teachers like me would never afford a place such as this, it is nice to be treated like a lady every now and then. I would certainly recommend the restaurant not only for the quality of the food, but the exceptional service. Our waitress was great, and her partner-in-crime was our waitress from the year before, who remembered us both.

But to the topic at hand, the Canadian and I decided to dress up this time around; he put on a suit and tie, and I put on the bridesmaid dress I am wearing next weekend to Biff's wedding. Let's just say that I looked very ladylike, something that is very uncharacteristic for me.

Now I am not the one who believes too much in signs, but our waitress at dinner asked to take our picture to commerate the experience. She presented us with the photo on a card at the end of our night. Inside the waitress addressed us as Mr. & Mrs. Canadian. Now perhaps that alone would get one thinking, but this has not been the first we have been mistaken as husband and wife. In fact, its been a long running joke. In just our first month of dating, I went to the emergency room for a sports injury and the ER nurse had asked me if I wanted my husband (the Canadian) to join us.

I love the Canadian so much. In fact, I feel so strongly about him that I often get emotional when I talk about my dreams for the future. Especially of late, since he is thinking about taking a new job here in Charlotte, and I have been looking at perhaps moving back home to earn more money. I have always been someone who has refused to talk about marriage and kids in previous relationships. It is something I take very seriously, and I certainly don't believe in discussing it with someone I see no future with. So the fact that I feel so passionately about this, is something I have not experienced before.

But after two years of patience, I think I have waited long enough. So I have given the Canadian an ultimatum. For a man who never thinks beyond tomorrow, I am asking him to seriously think about the future instead of giving me his frequent shrugging and "I don't knows". He has promised that in a month (December 1st) he will give me an answer for once and for all: Yes or no.

I am scared shitless. I wish I had less scruples and could forget my "deal breakers" to be with someone I am hopelessly in love with. But I was never that kind of woman. As much as I adore this man, if he is not willing to give me what I need, I have to walk. I rather spend my life alone, then be in a false relationship. Frankly, I never needed a man to give me worth. However, if I don't stand up for my ideals I wouldn't be able to face myself in the mirror.

So to the few readers I still have, I guess I am turning to you. Am I wrong to force his hand? Or should I take his reluctance as a sign that this is something that is never to be? What would you do?

Viva Los 33!

2010-10-13T14:09:00.013-04:00

What were you doing the day that 33 men returned from hell and reemerged back into the world of the living? Like Lazarus in the Bible, each man walked out of the rock pile meant to entomb them forever. Never, ever underestimate the power and strength of the human spirit. Hope springs eternal.

Miracles do happen.

"We looked for them like our children. We found them with God's help. We are rescuing them as Chileans. May their example inspire us." -Chilean President Sebastian Pinera

"Because in His hands are the depths of the earth, and the peaks of the mountains too are His."

Pslam 95

"I was with God and I was with the devil; they fought me but God won. He took me by my best hand, the hand of God, and I held on to him. I never thought for one minute that God wouldn't get me out of there. I believe that I had extraordinary luck, I believe this was a test ... I believe that God does test people and I believe that we have the possibility to confront things in life such as what we had to confront ... but I'm very happy that it happened to me because I believe it was the moment in which to make changes. The professionals that do all this publicity and television, the only personal thing I ask is for you to not treat us as celebrities or journalists. I want you to continue treating me like Mario Antonio Sepulveda, a worker, a miner." -Mario Sepulveda, the 2nd rescued miner

"There is a reason why God does things. Maybe this is an example. You are not the same after this. Chile is not the same after this. It changes you." - Luis Urzua, 33rd rescued miner

Bills, Bills, Bills

2010-10-12T15:38:00.002-04:00

Looks like I am starting to make a habit out of posting about once a month. Of course, when you really don't have much to say except the same old shit, makes it difficult to come up with any exciting blog post that someone else would want to read.

My blog is now officially 5 years old, and has almost 40,000 hits. Either some people have found my blog interesting over the years, or I just read my own stuff...a lot.

Since my last post, it seems my financial world is still on implode mode. While I struggle to keep my head above water, it seems yet another thing falls into my lap that pushes me back down. I am so budgeted with money, that my monthly paycheck is pretty much spent within the first few days.

Of course within four days of my paycheck, I had to rush a very sick cat to the emergency animal hospital near my apartment for pneumonia. Unlike a people hospital that allows you to pay later or even in installments if you are financially unable to pay for your services up front, the same does not apply to pets. So it was a decision on whether to take a very sick cat home and see him possibly get worse, or keep him hospitalized in the ICU overnight.

Nothing feels worse then being torn being providing care for a sick loved one (pets included) and knowing that you simply do not have the cash to do so. I literally was in tears in the waiting room trying to figure out how to pay 700 dollars for the necessary care my pet would need. I drained my checking account because I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I brought him, and he got worse.

Of course this financial situation has left me desperately trying to figure out how I am going to get through the rest of the month. It is becoming more apparent that I cannot keep living the way that I am. No one could accuse me of overspending on anything, but my salary is not covering my cost of living.

Its sad to say that with a masters degree. What is even worse is that the state of North Carolina wants to disguise even more salary cuts in the form of "merit pay" which is advertised as a way to reward good teachers, but only hurts every teacher in the long run.

The situation is looking like this: I may have to move at the end of this school year. The question is: What does this mean for my relationship with the Canadian?

We will have celebrated 2 years together on the 25th of this month, and out of all my friends I am the only one still "dating". Everyone else who has dated as long as us are married or engaged.

I love him, I want to marry him, but can I wait around forever for him to figure out what he wants? He doesn't see the rush, but there are several reasons behind it: 1.) He is a guy, getting married means you have to grow up. For real. 2.) He makes twice the amount of money I do, and therefore, finds it difficult to put himself in my shoes. 3.) He is scared shitless of failure. 4.) He doesn't really have any one to give him a realistic viewpoint of marriage.

So it may come down to a choice: love or money? And I really hate money right now.

No More Drama

2010-09-17T16:10:00.003-04:00

Well folks, its been a few weeks since I have posted. Sort of been increasingly difficult to find anything to write about. Mainly things with work have been so busy that I just haven't had the energy to put anything down on paper.

We were informed this school year, as many other schools were, that we would be running on budget cuts. Things like paper have been rationed and basic school supplies are unavailable. Most parents have no problem (even if they grumble) about buying a huge list of school supplies for their kids in elementary school, but in high school, I find myself spending money I can barely afford to equip my students with the basic supplies. Of course in a Title I school like the one I work in, this is even more common.

How can you prepare students to be successful in the 21st century with things as basic as copy paper are not available to you? I have to decide whether to buy more copy paper for my classroom or go hungry for dinner.

I got into teaching because I love to teach. Besides who would work for 30,000 dollars a year with a masters degree? But I sometimes think that my career as a teacher will be short lived only for the simple reason that I cannot live on the bare salary I have while being expected to supply classrooms, students, and give up any social life to teach to a test that determines whether I am a "good" teacher or not.

Ever wonder why good teachers and passionate teachers go hand in hand? Because we have to be a little crazy to do this, when there are other more profitable and less stressful jobs around.

Sad enough, its not he worst. Lately, there has been problems at home with my family. Specifically my brother. Let's just say he has been dealt some crappy cards in his life, and he still has not gotten over his resentment. His anger is becoming increasingly destructive, and I am concerned that our family history of alcoholism is coming into play.

As the oldest, there are certain things you have always been expected to handle, like crisis. I have always been the sound boarding for my mother's venting, and I feel completely handcuffed that there is nothing I can do to make things better.

My financial situation is just as bad off, and I would be a hypocrite if I gave any advice about my brother that would result in him being kicked out of my parents' house. But it hurts to know that my mother is hurting, my brother is anger is ruining his life, and that there is nothing I can really do here about it.

Things are just tough right now foks.

Changes

2010-08-05T22:36:00.002-04:00

Life is about change, in fact the only thing ever really certain in life is change. I look around me and so much seems to be changing: friends getting married and having babies, friends moving away, family members dying, people changing jobs or starting new careers, friends buying houses.

Then I look at myself and wonder where the change has occurred. Certainly I have physically changed over the past few years: put on more weight, seen more laugh lines around the eyes, and turned a little grayer. But where is the change in me? I have now been in Charlotte for 2 years and besides the change of address two years ago I feel like nothing much has really changed for me.

I am still broke. Still struggling to find my place in the world. And still wondering when it will be my turn for a lifetime commitment for love. I never thought I would be turning 30 with no house or family to call my own.

Granted things have happened in my life that have been both welcomed and unexpected, but I feel stagnant. Friends call to see how my life is going, and I really don't find much to talk about. I just don't see the changes happening to me.

And with wedding season full upon me, and so many dear friends taking the next step in their lives I find myself feeling wistful and perhaps a little envious. There is no guarantees in life, and I know that there is no guarantee that I will get what I want.

I just keep asking myself when will my life have some sort of dramatic change. 30? 35? 40? Or will I continue to spend the next decade wondering if my boat has come ashore? I am ready for change.

Goodbye Captain Phil!

2010-07-13T19:50:00.003-04:00

I really don't post very often about anything dealing with pop culture; television especially, mainly because most of the programming on cable these days are crap. Not to mention, I no longer have cable.

Flip through a channel on any night you will find programs like the Bachelor, Survivor, Hills, Real Housewives, etc. who get their main ratings from the cat fights, back stabbing, designer outfits, and over-the-top personalities.

Yet one show I have followed faithfully for the past 5 years is Deadliest Catch. A show aptly named because it documents the lives of Bering Sea fishermen whose injury rate on the job is nearly 100%. You fish the sea long enough, you are guaranteed to walk away with the scars. These brave men and women (although much fewer than the guys) risk their lives to bring home a large paycheck. While sometimes earning 50,000 dollars for a 5 weeks work may seem enticing, after watching just one episode many would rethink a job that requires a person to be awake for 20+ hours/7 days a week in hurricane force winds and brutal storms that throw 40ft. walls of freezing water into these tired faces.

I believe one fishermen had joked that the perhaps the terrorists we capture are not treated as cruelly as these people who fish for a living. I certainly do not envy them their jobs when I sit on a couch in a temperature controlled environment.

Perhaps this biggest symbol of the stoic life of a Bering Sea fisherman, has been Captain Phil Harris of the F/V Cornelia Marie. For several years he has been one of the most colorful characters to grace the television screen in any reality show. However, unlike some other shows on TV, his story is so believable. You feel his anguish when his crew brings aboard pots with few "keepers", understand his frustration when his youngest son uses his credit card to buy a flat panel TV for his bunk, and worry with his cameraman as he spits up blood from a pulmonary embolism while trying to keep the secret from sons and crew.

Phil always cared more about his boat, his sons, his crew, and the people who came into contact with him than himself. You could see that in those moments with his sons or when refused to let his crew know he was in pain. His grizzly bear proportions showed a teddy bear inside whose heart was as big as the Bering Sea he fished. And while suffering several health setbacks, you could see that his biggest sorrow was knowing that he might never be able to fish again. And even worse, knowing that fishing would kill him.

How do you walk away from a love that you have embraced your entire life? A love that has defined you? Captain Phil was the face and soul of fishermen around the world. He was born into a world of fishermen and like many heard the call to sea at a young age.

Captain Phil has given me a greater amount of respect for the many people who go out and do the jobs that many of us would be to afraid to face. While others get rich quick, and never truly understand what hard work means, Captain Phil's entire life came down to this: He was one of the hardest working men I had known, and he went down in the saddle doing what he loved best. Fishing.

So tonight with Kleenex in hand, I will watch the episode that I have been dreading for months, and part of my heart will break knowing that Captain Phil is no longer fishing the Bering Sea.

Goodbye Captain Phil. Godspeed.

Captain Phil Harris: 1956-2010

Thanks LeBron!

2010-07-11T00:54:00.002-04:00

Whirlwind Tour: Cleveland 2010

2010-06-25T16:09:00.002-04:00

I am in Cleveland for 2 weeks visiting friends and family, and I feel like a rock star making different stops in each suburb of Cleveland with my "groupies" meeting me at each sight. Last night I was in downtown, tonight its the east side, Saturday its the southern suburbs, and Sunday its the west side. And Sunday will be only the first week of my 2 week vacation.

Lots of exciting things going on too...Indians game, Lola, Westside Market, Melt, Fireworks Blitz and maybe a winery or two. I definitely fall in love all over again with my hometown when I visit. There is just so many wonderful things to do in Cleveland!

Of course I have to fit in all my World Cup watching between my different excursions in and around town.

I also booked my flight to Missouri for Elizabeth's wedding, which means I won't be heading to Seattle. I can't afford 2 plane tickets on my teacher's salary. However, I think being there for Elizabeth and standing by her side is far more important than my trip to Seattle.

So....how is your summer going?

Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?

2010-06-15T10:42:00.002-04:00

I am going to take a moment from my World Cup viewing and the buzz of the vuvuzelas, to ponder a question that has nothing to do with soccer.

This truly is the season of weddings. From August to November of this year, I will have one friend getting married every month. 8/14/10. 9/18/10. 10/30/10. 11/20/10.

Of course I don't make enough money to attend all of those weddings. If I did, it would mean I would be attending wedding ceremonies in 4 states....North Carolina, Rhode Island, Arizona, and Missouri.

And given the personality of the different brides, the locations are all as unique as the brides themselves. A traditional Catholic ceremony with a laid-back feel, a cultural blending of Korean/Indian values at Brown University, an intimate ceremony at the Japanese cultural gardens, and a Gothics wedding Halloween weekend in a cave.

And while I ponder the saying, "Three times a bridesmaid and never a bride." I begin to wonder whose wedding is it anyways?

While some of the brides' ideas may not be the same as mine; as maid of honor at a Gothic wedding, where does one go to buy a dress? I still come from the old school belief that while a wedding is a celebration where friends and family come together to witness the union of two people, it is still a special day for the bride and groom.

As the single person listening to the wedding plans of the engaged, I sometimes feel sympathy at the frustrations that center around having to please everyone. It seems that while most couples are paying for their own ceremonies, they still feel the pressure to please the family and friends who are in attendance.

Granted, as a wedding guest and even more so as a bridesmaid one is expected to shell out some money in order to be in attendance. However, I always believed what you were getting in return was worth more than the price you pay. In life, some things are worth more than money. Especially the weddings with open bars.

So my heart goes out to my best friend, who for years has battled with her mother for acceptance. Granted while I may not share the same viewpoints as my best friend when it comes to lifestyle choices, she has been my friend since we were 12 years old. And through the tattoos and the Mohawks, she is still the same supportive person.

My friend like many of the brides, have been blessed to find a man who loves them for the person they are. Her fiance has helped her get past many of her commitment issues and fears of marriage. Most of the baggage she has been carrying is due to the estranged relationship with her mother.

He has been patient, and above all loving. And while this wedding should be about my friend and her fiance, a shadow has been cast that is due to a mother who believes the wedding should be about her and not the couple. My friend's mother has thrown fit after fit about how the friends in her social circle will view her daughter's Gothic wedding ceremony. In her narrow view to be accepted by her conservative circle of friends, she is destroying her relationship with her only daughter.

My friend even commented to me on the phone last night, that she fears that her mother will not show up to the wedding. Even after all the changes she is making to please her mother. She told me, "If she doesn't show up, it will just ruin everything."

Why should weddings have to be about pleasing family? Her mom accused her of selfishness, and mocked her choices. Isn't the wedding day supposed to be the most selfish day of your life? Isn't it about the two of you, your commitment, and the love you are sharing? Why shouldn't my friend get the wedding she wants...complete with a red Gothic wedding dresses and hearses?

Besides who else can say they will be maid of honor at a Gothic wedding held inside a cave on Halloween weekend?

World Cup 2010

2010-06-12T12:20:00.003-04:00

It is time again for World Cup. For four weeks, 32 nations come together to battle for the "cup of life" and bragging rights for another four years. As an American, we have a bigger following in football, baseball, and basketball than we do for our soccer teams. But as a former soccer player, I have always been drawn by the pageantry, color, and rivalry that is only seen with World Cup.

The only time Americans really feel any sort of national pride towards any team is during the Olympics, but for fans of World Cup, it is a fever they suffer everyday. If you don't believe me, watch the number of fans at World Cup games who are there when their own teams have failed to make the field of 32.

Only in World Cup soccer do you get phrases like "Golden Goal", "The Hand of God", "Death Group", and other such turns of phrases that make you feel as though you are watching Titans battle each other on a gladiatorial field rather than a soccer pitch.

And for an impoverished continent like Africa, it is an opportunity for many Africans to show the world that their pride is only matched by their hospitality. They have a need to prove how things have changed since the days of Apartheid.

As for me, I have got a fever. And its called World Cup!

WAKA WAKA!

Stage 4

2010-05-31T22:14:00.002-04:00

My cousin, Michelle's, husband is dying of cancer (stage 4 melanoma). As she begins the difficult road ahead of saying goodbye to her husband, I found this video that was posted on her Facebook page. The song is by Loren DiGiorgi who was touched by a cancer patient dying of lung cancer, and was so inspired by the woman's fortitude and courage in the face of death, went home and composed this original piece.

29 Reasons

2010-05-24T09:03:00.003-04:00

So today is a special day, my birthday.

And while I am not so excited to be another year older (which means the amount of grey hairs will most likely triple), its definitely a day to celebrate. Of course bills will still be in the mail, work will always be a little too stressful when compared to pay, and I will always feel like there is something else that needs to be done; today I am simply going to be thankful for yet another year on this Earth.

And if you haven't figured out how old I am today, then just count the number of reasons why I am thankful to be celebrating another birthday.

1.) My friends and family, will always be number one. No matter how many times I fall, they are always there to help pick me back up again.

2.) My health. Even when everything is crap, I can say that I remain in good health despite how poor the economy has been to everyone. I cannot imagine having to pay massive medical bills during this time.

3.) My career. While work is frustrating and certainly the pay is far below what any sane person should work for, I chose my career for the rewards, and not the pay check. Despite the turmoils and stresses at work, I do love teaching. I am just afraid that I may not always feel this way with the direction education in this country is going.

4.) My independence. While finances are certainly tough, I am living and supporting myself. Many people have given that up because of job loss.

5.) Laughter. A good laugh still goes a long way to chasing my blues away.

6. A smile. The same can be said with a smile. We never know how much impact we have on another person until we see the effects of a kind word or smile. Sadly, the same can be said for hate.

7.) My boyfriend. We have had our ups and downs. Our fights, arguments, and "drama". However, I have never met a person who fills me up with so much joy simply by being in his presence.

8.) Stitch. The #1 man in my life. That furry ball of mischief has been my greatest comfort in some of my darkest hours. It is funny how animals somehow sense when they are needed the most. Besides I have never had a pet that made visits to the vet so entertaining. The lady killer.

9.) Great Lakes Brewery is now in Charlotte. Thank you Cleveland, I miss you!

10.) Cleveland. My hometown, how you make me weep some days. But I still do not know how I could have any more pride for any other city I will ever live in. Your history is a reflection of my somewhat turbulent life.

11.) Road trips. I still love getting in the car and going to some place new.

12.) My car. Oh Lolita how beat up you are, but you keep moving. Please keep going for yet another year. Please?

13.) My balcony. I love nothing more than sitting outside with my flowers, drinking a cup of coffee and watching the sun come up.

14.) Nature. I am still left moved by how beautiful the tapestry of this Earth truly is. You can see God's love when watching the sun behind the clouds peeping through, or watching a thunderstorm create lightning off of the shores of the beach.

15.) My passport. It took me 29 years, but finally I have a passport. And my first stamp was Panama. I hope I can put many more next to it.

16.) My parent's home. While the kitchen floor needs to be replaced, the basement leaks when it rains, and it will always be overflowing with people and pets, it is such a comfort to come home and see things haven't changed. Its a link to my past.

17.) My mom. Of course she in the list here at #1 with friends and family, but she needs a separate mention. I have had the privilege of getting to know her as a friend, and I am so thankful for that. She has always been a rock for our family.

18.) My TNT medals. Whenever I get down on myself, I look at those medals and think about the things you can accomplish when you push yourself to the limits.

19.) My masters degree. While I may be sorry that I went and got it right when the economy was crashing, I am certainly thankful for it. It was a brutal and frustrating year of my life, but I am so happy that I did it.

20.) My laptop. So I think Time Warner is the devil's spawn charging people 50 bucks a month for basic cable plus another 30 for Internet, so while I am in a one person boycott with this major company, my laptop has allowed me to catch up on shows through Hulu and Netflix. (Using public wi-fi access)

21.) My Golden Girls collection. No matter how many times I have watched the episode where they walk into the market to buy condoms for their cruise, the Golden Girls will always be the original Sex and the City.

22.) My co-workers. While work has been really tough this year, its nice to know that I am not going through this alone. They are above all the reason why I stay.

23.) My cell. While it may not be strapped to my hip or ear like most people, it is the best technological tool I own. Since it keeps me in touch with friends and family who are too far away to see everyday.

24.) My Continental frequent flier miles. While it took me over 10 years to amass the mileage, you were the reason I was able to afford a round trip ticket to Panama. Of course, this would be easier for everyone if airlines didn't charge you an arm and a leg to fly.

25.) The Cleveland Browns. You will probably be the cause of my ulcer, along with your brothers in arms, the Indians and the Cavs, but you are the reason I look forward to fall. And this fall I will get to sit in the Dawg Pound and bite my nails.

26.) Trader Joe's. Thank you for "2 Buck Chuck"!

27.) My blog. For five years now this electronic journal has allowed me to air my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Thank you to all my blog readers who have stayed.

28.) I am a natural blond. Makes the grey blend in much easier.

29.) Life. While life can weigh me down and really do a number on me, its still a good life, and having the ability to make my own choices is something that millions of people every year lack. And many more die for standing up for their right to make their own choices. I just wish we could all practice a little more compassion and little less finger pointing.

So as I begin the last year of 20-something bliss before the big 3-0. I hope I can close out this decade of my life with some high notes. I guess time will only tell.....

Love Actually

2010-05-10T20:48:00.003-04:00

"True love lasts a lifetime."

Someone once said that its not the number of breaths you take, but the number of moments that take your breath away. If that quote is true, then I have certainly spent most of my weekend holding my breath.

My friends, Rosie, Ken, and I took a frantic two day and eleven hundred mile round trip to Cleveland and back again. All while driving through the challenges of rain, hail, and tornado warnings. Why would we venture such a trip in such cold, grey weather? Simple because being able to witness one of those moments.

The three of us, together with friends and family of our dear friend Kelly, got to witness her boyfriend of over a year get down on one knee (in the rain) and propose to her. I think the tears on Rosie's face was proof enough how special this moment was. The warmth that spread across my face wasn't because of the white wine I was drinking, rather from the heat of a full heart. I am so truly blessed to have been there to witness such a special and wonderful moment in the life of such a dear and wonderful friend.

This year will be full of those kind of wonderful, breath taking moments. In a few short months I will be there as Rosie and Ken say the vows that seal their relationship as man and wife.

While I am sometimes disappointed in my own love life (or lack of it some days), and my impatience for those dreams to come true; I cannot be happier for the people in my life who have always been there for me.

As Hugh Grant's character said in the beginning of the movie, Love Actually:

"If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."

Must Be Paradise (Bastimentos, Panama)

2010-05-02T16:13:00.005-04:00

No Day, But Today

2010-05-02T01:42:00.000-04:00

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

Rumminations

2010-04-24T10:52:00.002-04:00

Hey folks...or should I say folk, since I really am not sure how many people if any really do read my blog anymore.

Life always seems to have its up and downs, and while life is good, the financial situation in my life continues to be down. While the focus in our country remains on health care, economy, and the war in Iraq, education continues to take a back seat.

This lack of priority towards education, means that many teachers like me struggle to teach in overcrowded classrooms with textbook shortages and limited supplies. What makes it worse, is that even with my masters degree, I still make less than what a manager at McDonald's would make in a year.

Not to mention I work at a poorer school district that is coming under the gun because of graduation rates and test scores. The burn out in teaching is high mainly due to the high stress compared with very low amount of pay and even littler respect by the powers that be.

I still struggle to pay bills and take care of myself everyday. They talk about students coming in to schools hungry with tattered clothes and the stress of not knowing where their next meal may come. They never talk about the fact that many of those students' teachers also face the same stress. There are days where I go without 3 meals, let alone one. I cannot remember the last time I went and spent money on new clothes. I have a car that is about as battered as me.

Let's not forget the fact that at my current salary and situation, paying off college loans is increasingly difficult. I could move home, but my parents are struggling to put the youngest sibling through college since my dad got laid off almost 2 years ago. Having another child at home would not improve their situation. I apply everywhere for summer work, but can't even get a courtesy of a phone call back to say the position has been filled.

Of course, everyone around me is struggling right now with the economy. And with the fact that I have a job, where many others do not, I find it hard to even talk about my situation, let alone complain about it.

Things weigh heavily on mind. I crave a girls night out, where good company and laughter could go a long way in curing some of my blues. But my circle of friends these days are far flung. And given some of the choices I have made in the last few months, most for personal reasons, I have even fewer friends these days. The loneliness is hard sometimes.

I find myself stressed over what should be a happy event coming up, because I feel that my presence in some ways will just ruin what should be happy moments for friends. In some ways, I feel outcasted, for following my heart and my principles.

But as my mother always says, "When you think you got it bad, just remember there will ALWAYS be someone else who is much worse of then you." So I keep my head up, as heavy as it feels at times, and keep trying to move along.

And We`re Walking!

2010-04-05T10:10:00.002-04:00

I have been here in Panama for two days, and have fallen in love with the wild beauty of the lush green jungle, the soothing sounds of waves breaking about the rocks, and the ready smiles and laughter from the local children.

The only thing I didn`t anticipate was the large amount of walking. I certainly did not remember to pack my tennis shoes, and taking a 20 minute walk into the jungle to get back to my sister`s villa only use the dim light from her cell phone has been interesting and near diastrous on a couple of occassions.

But then again who can say that they helped construct a slip-n-slide on the beach Easter Sunday, or played Easter bunny and hid colorful plastic eggs full of candy for the children who were playing and splashing in the teal waters.

It will defenitely be hard to go back to work next week after experiencing this laid back lifestyle, where everyone is considered to be family.

Bon Voyage!

2010-04-02T22:06:00.002-04:00

Well folks, its about 10pm and I am still scrambling to get everything packed so that I am ready to go for my 6am flight to Panama tomorrow. For you math folks out there, this means my likelihood of getting sleep will be most likely zero to none.

But regardless of the lack of sleep, it is a new adventure, a new experience, and this girl is going on vacation.

Happy Easter to all! I will see you in a week!

Futbol!

2010-03-24T17:54:00.001-04:00

I have little over a week to go before I am crossing into tropical climates for a week's stay in Boca del Toro, Panama. Of course it doesn't help that my sister keeps telling me she has a hammock waiting for me when I get there.

Tonight, I am going to take in some of this beautiful spring weather in Charlotte, and head to Bank of America Stadium for an international friendly soccer match between Mexico and Iceland. I have been informed by a fellow friend and blogger that Eidur Gudjohnsen is not only quite a player but easy on the eyes too!

I also love this time of year. The weather is warmer, the sun is out longer, and I can finally turn off the furnace and open all the windows. Of course Stitch loves the weather too, I keep thinking he is going to fall out of the 3rd story window if he presses his face any harder against the screen.

A Group Hug

2010-03-13T07:58:00.004-05:00

It always warms my heart when I read news stories like this, especially when our news is always so dominated with what is wrong with the world. I truly wish we could see more stories showing such sportsmanship and human compassion towards others regardless of what team they play on in sports, or in life.

The US women's U-17 team beat Haiti during the CONCACAF U-17 Women's Championship in Costa Rica 9-0. Once the game was over, the Haitian goal keeper, Alexandra Coby, broke down in tears. Understandably its difficult to lose, especially to a much better team. But Alexandra and her teammates are not only going through the emotions of being eliminated from competition, but showing up to play in a tournament despite the staggering loses to life, home, and country in earthquake torn Haiti. The fact that these ladies even showed up is a testament to these young ladies' fortitudes.

What makes this story remarkable is that, while Alexandra sat on the field in tears, US goal keeper, Bryane Heaberlin, crossed the field and walked over to Alexandra embracing her in a giant bear hug. Soon Bryane was joined by her entire US teammates who surrounded Alexandra in a protective circle offering her hugs and encouragement. It was at that moment, that life was put into perspective. It is not the score or the outcome of the game that mattered, it was giving comfort to someone who needed to know that there are better days ahead.

US goalie, Heaberlin was quoted by USsoccer.com about why she offered comfort to Coby:

“I saw her crying and that was pretty hard for me to see. She’s a 'keeper and we have that bond. I knew that she had probably lost people close to her, and when she goes home she might not have anywhere to go. I gave her a big hug and told her she did great. She came to compete in this tournament despite all that she’s been through and I have tremendous respect for her.”

US defender, Olivia Brannon, also added her perspective as well:

“It just put everything into perspective. It makes you realize what is truly important, your family, having a roof over your head, and having food on the table. We take all those things for granted. I had my mom in the stands cheering for me tonight. Some of these girls might never have that again.”

Rambling On Through

2010-03-10T17:04:00.003-05:00

Sorry it's been another few weeks since my last update, after almost 4 years of blogging my readership is only a brave few, who still take a moment out of their lives to gain a little insight into mine. I appreciate those of you who have remained after all of these years.

I got into blogging four years ago to give myself a creative outlet in which to vent. I find that once I write things down, I feel a sense of completion. That once the words are out; the anger, frustrations, or raging emotions have dissipated.

Of course not everything I post is negative or even emotionally charged. Sometimes I just feel the need to say something. To have a voice that is heard amongst the din. We spend so much of ourselves trying to flow with the current, that sometimes its hard to keep our heads out of the water. In some ways, I feel as if what I write is timeless in itself, a way for me to go back and review my past experiences. A window into my life.

This little blog while not posting anything that is life changing, has been itself a way to keep my life a little sane. A way for me to stay connected to others, and feel the interconnectedness to others who also seek the same outlets.

As I ramble on through my posts, I always stop to think of the people I have been connected to through this little piece of the Internet. I hope that when you stumble upon my blog, you too, feel like you are not so alone.

Bocas Bound

2010-02-07T22:37:00.003-05:00

Well it's official! I am going to Isla Bastimentos, Panama on April 3 to see my sister Katie who is currently working and living on the island. Given that I do not go on vacations very often this is a huge deal for me. After saving my frequent flier miles for the past ten years, I cashed them in for the round trip ticket to Panama.

When I booked the ticket, and saw the confirmation number go through I started crying. For someone who doesn't get to go on vacations due to work and expenses, this means the world to me. My first international flight by myself, and a trip of a lifetime.

The next step is applying for my first passport.

.

Glitter in the Air

2010-02-01T12:57:00.002-05:00

Have you ever feed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight.

-"Glitter in the Air" by Billy Mann and Alecia Moore

Haiti

2010-01-27T17:38:00.002-05:00

Imagine living in a country where 80% of the population lives in extreme poverty. Where millions of families live in one room dwellings housing several generations of family members. Imagine living in a country where there is no welfare system, no food stamps, and no access to medical care. Now imagine that world falling down around you, literally.

For the 3 million people of Haiti this is reality for them. They live in a country whose government was nearly non-existent and had no plans in place for any sort of emergency situation.

Even worse imagine being in a place where the only home you know is destroyed, and your missing family members are buried below the rubble. The stench of dead bodies is all around, food is scarce, and crime is rampant. How do you go on when the world that you know is in chaos all around you?

Many of us, Americans especially, cannot imagine such extreme poverty let alone the kind of horror that comes in such a tragedy.

Within days of this tragedy, my friend Phuoc, got on a plane and left his home and family to travel to Haiti. Phuoc is a Global Health Equity Resident who travels to some of the poorest countries in the world to provide medical care to those who so desperately need it through Partners in Health (PIH). His wife, Erin, proudly supports her husband's efforts while being concerned for his own safety.

In an e-mail to friends and family Erin asked for support for PIH and its efforts to coordinate the medical needs of millions of internally displaced persons (IDP) who are reeling from the aftermath of an earthquake that has destroyed their homes and killed family.

"For those of you who would like to help with the relief efforts in Haiti, I'd like to tell you a bit about PIH and their work in Haiti: PIH has been in Haiti for over 20 years, and has built up numerous health centers (clinics and hospitals) throughout Haiti.

PIH operates with a rights-based approach, and aims for sustainability (just before the earthquake, their facilities were mostly run by Haitian medical professionals). Several days ago, the World Health Organization asked PIH to revive and operate the general hospital where Phuoc is working. PIH's overhead cost is less than six percent (6%), and their head honchos don't make the six-figure salaries enjoyed by heads of other charitable organizations. (I encourage people to check out sites like http://www.charitynavigator.org/ to learn where your money goes in various organizations.)

For more information on PIH, go to http://www.pih.org/. Or, if you have more time, I recommend reading Tracy Kidder's "Mountains Beyond Mountains," which covers the story of Paul Farmer, the foundation of PIH, and the organization's relationship with and work in Haiti.

Right now, Phuoc's main job is to coordinate the transfer of the most critically-ill patients from the PIH clinics/hospitals to the US Navy's Comfort ship. He has been picking up patients, and accompanying them for the bumpy ride to the helicopter pad at the port. From there, the the US military transfers them to the ship via helicopter. As of last night, this morning's task was to transfer nine patients from Cange to the port. He was working hard to hopefully arrange helicopter rides directly from Cange, to spare the patients (especially those with spinal cord injuries) from having to endure the pain and discomfort of a much longer ride."

If you are interested in helping Phuoc and the many volunteers through PIH who are working in Haiti now and who will STILL be working in Haiti long after this story dies in the news you can to go: http://www.standwithhaiti.org/.

And please keep Phuoc, Erin, and the thousands of others who are helping to bring comfort to those so desperately in need.

Happy 2010!

2010-01-01T15:42:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year to one and all, as we welcome in the second decade of the 21st century. I remember once reflecting on what it would be like to live in the year 2010. I was at a Girl Scout Retreat at COSI in Columbus and we were putting together time capsules. Part of the plan was that we would make individual time capsules and seal them until the year 2010. We also got a free admission pass that would not be good until 2010. I remember reflecting (as good as a nine year old can reflect) on what I would be like in 2010. I realized that in 2010 I would be 29 years old! I would be so FRICKING old! I imagined I would be a wrinkled, grey haired lady married with kids and president of some far off country.

Now that it is really 2010, I realize that I am almost 29 with some grey hair. I am not married and certainly am not close to being president of anything. But the first ten years of this century were eventful for me. I graduated college, moved away from home, went to graduate school, began a career, became part of a serious relationship or two, and said goodbye to some old friends and hello to some newer ones.

This year, I am hoping 2010 brings about a new job that makes me happier and certainly gives me more satisfaction then my current one now. I also hope that relationship wise, that I will be on the next step of my journey. I also am determined to drop some weight so I don't end up looking like the Jolly Green Giant at my friend Rosie's wedding.

Here is to hoping that 2010 is the best year ever.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T13:40:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my fellow bloggers and friends. I hope this season and the new year brings the greatest of joys and happiness to you.

So many things have happened this year. Both good and bad. As Dolly Parton once said, "You couldn't have the rainbow if you didn't have to put up with the rain first." I certainly have had my share of thunderstorms this year.

But instead of dwelling on the bad things, things that are here for a reason and things that have helped me grow as a person, instead I will focus on the good. Friends getting engaged and planning weddings. New adventures for family members in tropical countries. Quality time with family during Thanksgiving. Sunday night bowling league. Browns Backers. The love and support of my extended family of friends.

I wish you all the best, whether you are spending the season at home or away from loved ones. Remember and keep those in your heart who cannot be with us this season, and if at all possible try to make the world a little bit better of a place for someone in need.

The Great Outdoors

2009-10-29T13:06:00.002-04:00

From the few you or so who still actually read my blog, you probably are aware that I have not updated in awhile. Life has a way of getting in the way, and sometimes just finding the right things to say are difficult. The last few weeks have been difficult for me. I am torn between a broken heart and the decision to move on and forgive.

I also have been trying to decide what my next steps will be in the following months. It has become apparent that my current situation is not financially feasible, and unless I fall into some money I am going to be making some changes. I have even thrown around the idea of heading back to Ohio next fall. My sister, Katie, is leaving the country for a job. Its pretty sad when you can't even find a job in your native country.

I am looking forward to unwinding this weekend and spending some time with friends. I am finally getting to fulfill one of my goals since moving here last fall: camping. I haven't been in the great outdoors on a camping trip in almost six years, so this trip is definitely long overdue. What is even better, is I am getting a much needed break away from the daily stresses of my life: work, money, students, etc.

Not to mention that camping during Halloween weekend is twice as cool.

The True Toll Of War

2009-10-07T15:40:00.002-04:00

How Do I Live Without You?

2009-10-04T09:30:00.002-04:00

I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I see the bruises. A stranger can't even point out the black eye without tears filling up my eyes. I am a walking testament to what abuse does to a person. I feel broken and scarred.

I go to sleep at night with the angry shouts and words echoing inside my head.....fat, ugly, broke, bitch. I cry on the way to work, on the way home from work. I can't look at his pictures. I can't look at anything without seeing the stamp of him on everything. I couldn't even change my sheets without knowing that it would permanently erase his scent from my bed.

God how I love him. I have suffered for this love, and walked through fire for this love. I had hopes and dreams. I saw us growing old together, getting married, and having children with his beautiful blue eyes. Now those dreams and hopes are shattered, and I have to box up my heart.

I miss his laugh, his touch, and his caress. How do you pick up a broken heart when your entire world has been taken away from you because of a violent, terrible act? He threw me away for the love of materialism, and the hatred in his eyes wakes me up at night.

I pray for him every moment I breath. I pray that he is getting help. I pray for myself, for the ability to be strong enough to keep going. Put one foot in front of the other. Breath in, breath out.

He was such a part of my daily life. We talked everyday. I feel like a piece of myself is missing now. I hurt everywhere, there is such a weight on my chest.

I keep asking myself, why? Why? Why? Why!

Why wasn't I good enough, loving enough, and worthy enough of finding a love to sustain us through our challenges? A love worth fighting for, working for, and hoping for.

While I will never excuse the physical or emotional harm that this abuse has done, I know that I am not entirely blameless either. We are all good at hurting the ones we love the most. I have hurt him, and I hope he forgives me.

But in the meantime, I have to figure out how I am supposed to live without the love of my (current) life. It in so many ways it feels like a death. A sad, sad death.

I hurt so much.

The Road Goes Ever On and On

2009-09-06T15:31:00.004-04:00

I would like to send my deepest condolences and heartfelt sympathy to my friend and fellow blogger, Jo, who lost her beloved father after a long battle with cancer.

Jo has on several occasions generously donated to my fund raising efforts for Team in Training, and who has herself raised money for cancer with several bike races. Jo has always managed to leave a word or two of encouragement on my blog over the years, and I have always looked forward to her comments.

I hope you all can take a moment or two as you read this entry to leave Jo some kind words of encouragement and sympathy as she deals with her loss.

Pippin: "I didn't think it would end this way."
Gandalf: "End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it."
Pippin: "What? Gandalf?... See what?"
Gandalf: "White shores... and beyond, a fair green country under a swift sunrise."
Pippin: "Well, that isn't so bad."
Gandalf: "No... No it isn't."
-The Return of the King-

Beautiful

2009-08-30T20:44:00.000-04:00

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong

But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish
I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

The Sea Shepherd

2009-08-16T23:28:00.008-04:00

Whales are gentle giants whose innate curiosities cause them to follow ships at sea. Sailors for decades have always considered the sight of a pod of whales to be a blessed sign. These joyful, majestic creatures want to play and swim close to ships displaying their gentle spirits.

Yet unknown to these creatures is the fact that not all ships are friendly. For years under the false label of "research", Japanese fishing vessels have been illegally hunting whales. Many species of whales have been decimated because of whaling with some species near to extinction. Imagine a world without whales, a world where these creatures only exist in fairy tale books.

The International Whaling Commission (IWC) voted in 1982 to ban commercial fishing of whales. This landmark decision was seen as a victory for conservationists who had been lobbying for decades for the ban, however, many pro-whaling countries including Japan rebuked the decision. In 1986, Japanese whaling vessels pulled over 3000 whales from the ocean. During the Reagan Administration, Congress enacted laws prohibiting the import of products from illegal whaling.

Yet whaling continues to this day. In 1977, a conservationist by the name of Paul Watson founded the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society whose mission is to "end the destruction of habitat and slaughter of wildlife in the world's oceans in order to conserve and protect ecosystems and species.."

Thanks to the efforts of Paul Watson and his crew aboard the Sea Shepherd's ship, Steve Irwin, an estimated 1400 whales have been saved from Japanese fishing vessels in its 30 year history.

Rather than protesting, Sea Shepherd engages in direct-action tactics, including spraying high-pressure water cannons at whaling ships and hurling rancid butter and slippery powder onto the decks. The tactics have attracted controversy, but the organization maintains a strict policy of nonviolence and stands by its effectiveness. HowStuffWorks.Com

Paul Watson and his crew have had their own struggles and challenges. The IWC have condemned their approaches and Japan itself have labeled them as pirates and terrorists. Japanese citizens who have joined the support for the Sea Shepherd have been targeted and attacked. Some have even been disowned from their families. In an interview Paul Watson maintains that the label of terrorist is inappropriate and that the Japanese issues with their conservational efforts is economically based:

"Our objective in going against the Japanese whaling fleet is to simply uphold international conservation law. The Japanese are targeting endangered species in a whale sanctuary in violation of a global moratorium, in violation of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species, in violation of the Antarctic Treaty — numerous regulations that they're breaking. So we're simply going in there to uphold those regulations.

As a self-appointed law enforcement body, what gives us the right to do that? It's the United Nations World Charter for Nature which allows for non-government organizations and individuals to uphold international conservation law. We have the laws. We have the regulations. What we don't have is enforcement. We shouldn't be doing this. Governments should be doing this. If they're not going to do it, we will.

Our objective in going in there is to simply uphold those laws and regulations. Our secondary objective, which probably the most important objective, is to hurt the Japanese whaling industry economically, as significantly as we possibly can. For the last two years we've done just that. They've only gotten half their quota now they're $50 million in debt in subsidies to the Japanese government and we cost them over $70 million." -AnimalPlanet.com

Despite the condemnation by many countries, Japan still upholds it philosophy of commercial whaling for research:

Research whaling is a fundamental right of every member of the IWC according to Article VIII of the ICRW. It is not a “loophole” in the Convention – rather it is a critical element of the Convention that requires that its decisions be based on scientific findings. Japan’s whale research programs are therefore perfectly legal. Further, Article VIII. 2 requires that research by-products (meat) be processed and sold under the Governments direction. This is a legally binding obligation on all IWC members who undertake research. -icrwhale.org

Tonight as I sat watching Whale Wars, uncontrollable sobs racked through my body as these creatures were chased down and harpooned by Japanese fishing vessels; I felt rage, anger, and frustration as I saw what was transpiring. I felt as helpless as the crew members of the Steve Irwin who could do nothing but watch these whales be brought aboard Nisshin Maru, a factory vessel, where the animals were hacked apart for their meat and left overs were tossed off the side with no regard to the life they had just extinguished.

Who are the real terrorists? A group of volunteers who travel halfway around the globe to stop illegal whaling? Or the Japanese fishing vessels with "Research" painted on the side of their ships chasing down a pod of whales?

So why care about these whales? Why should we as a global community be outraged and concerned about what is taking place in Antarctic oceans? Paul Watson, captain of the Steve Irwin and founder of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society explains it thusly:

"Jacques Cousteau said just before he died that the oceans are dying in our time, and we're not really... It's out of sight and out of mind for us. We really don't pay too much attention to it. But the reality is this: if the life in the ocean dies, the oceans die and we die. Civilization ceases to exist. That's how interconnected it is right now. Every single commercial fishery is in a state of collapse. The diminishment of the world's oceans is really incredible. Not many people are aware of this.

So it's a very serious situation we find ourselves in right now. The protection of life in the sea is the priority environmental conservation issue of our time right now. The environmental movement is pre-occupied and obsessed with global warming, which is nothing. They can't do anything about it. Nobody is going to stop global warming. If everybody stopped driving a car tomorrow it isn't going to stop it. You might be able to mitigate it a bit, but that's about it, it's here. we have to learn to adapt to it.

But what is the real factor causing global warming? It's the destruction of bio-diversity, because life on this planet creates and absorbs carbon dioxide. In a normal situation, the amount of carbon dioxide created and the amount absorbed is in equilibrium. Now we're producing 3 billion tons more then organic life can absorb, and as we diminish other species we actually increase that amount because we're taking away the absorption factor." -AnimalPlanet.com

All I know is that after watching tonight's show I will be forever haunted by the images of a fishing vessel chasing down a pod of whales. Watching a harpoon explode into the belly of a whale as it tries to dive and escape its killers. Blood on the water, and a dying whale surfacing and fighting for its freedom. Seeing fishermen lean over the side of the vessel with a rifle shooting the struggling animal multiple times as it made a last attempt to escape the line hooked into its flesh.

Why does this continue to go on? Because countries, including United States refuse to take an aggressive stand. According to the Institute of Cetacean Research, commercial whaling will continue in the Antarctic for the following reasons:

"In regards to Australia’s designated sanctuary, many countries including the U.S. and Japan do not recognize Australia’s Antarctic claim. The Antarctic Treaty, to which Australia is a member, freezes all Antarctic claims. From the perspective of the international community therefore, Australia’s claim and its sanctuary in Antarctic waters, which it has declared under its domestic legislation, has no legal standing in international law and therefore no effect."

The following video below displays some of the "humane" tactics that Japanese fishing vessels employ to obtain their research "samples". Please be warned that some of the images are graphic and disturbing.

If you are interested in how you can get involved in helping conservationists' efforts to help protect endangered animals including the illegal fishing of whales and dolphins please visit the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society and Animal Planet to find out how you can help stop whaling.

I Run From My Past, I Run Too Fast Or To Slow It Seems...

2009-08-05T01:04:00.002-04:00

Yesterday marked my one year anniversary in the Queen City. One year since I loaded up a large yellow Penske truck with my cat, Stitch, and took off for a new city and a new way of life.

I have grown up a lot in this past year. Realized I can make it on my own away from family, and found that although I was eager to run from my past, I can't ever really escape my roots. I also faced new challenges, meet new people, and had some incredible experiences.

I started a new relationship, a new career, moved into a brand new apartment, and made some new friends. I strengthened ties with some old friends, and let some others go.

I never thought when I first moved down to Charlotte on a very hot humid day in August, that a year from now, I would be sitting on my couch drinking wine and dreading working the second job. Nor did I imagine after all the pitfalls of relationships in the past, that I would be currently in the most successful one of my life.

I was mentored in my new job, and become a mentor for Team in Training. I stood up for myself in love, and find out that I was stronger than I thought when things got tough.

But the most important thing I have found from this year, is that I am truly blessed, and despite that my second year in Charlotte will be tougher yet, I know I will make it.

Whatever It Is, It Blows Me Away

2009-07-21T01:08:00.004-04:00

She's got eyes that cut you like a knife
And lips that taste like sweet red wine
And pretty legs go to heaven every time
She got a gentle way that puts me at ease
When she walks in the room I can hardly breathe
Got a devastating smile knock a grown man to his knees

Well my blog readers and friends, I have some happy news to report. My good friends, Rosie, and my "bruddah from anudder mudder", Ken, are engaged to be married! Rarely can we have the pleasure of annoucing such happy news as a friend finding the person they want to spend their life with, it is even rarer when you can say that you have two friends who found a wonderful relationship in each other.

Rosie and I have known each other a long time. We first met as sophomores in college living in the same hallway in Fletcher dorm. I was loud and obnoxious, and Rosie was quiet, shy and sometimes reserved. Over the next several years, we got to know each other and a friendship blossomed. From karaoke nights at the Cork and running across Mayfield Road with Molson Ice glasses to moves down to the Queen City. Rosie has taught me a lot about faith, friendship, and believing in the goodness of others.

I met Ken almost a year ago, shortly after my move down to Charlotte. Rosie took me to the Graduate Pub to meet some friends including this guy, Ken, she was interested in. Instantly Ken and I hit it off, with each trying to out do one another in a coaster building contest. I think there were times that Rosie was afraid, that Ken and I were having too much fun. Of course there was that time I did end up with a cup full of ranch in my hair.

She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything i wanted to say to a woman
But couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
It comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is

As we get older, we all are searching for the one person who makes our life a little bit more enjoyable. We all look for a companion to share our lives with; for that one person who will always be in our corner. Some of us end up lucky and find that person early in our lives, while others search their whole lives and still miss out.

I feel so much joy for both Rosie and Ken because they are two people who certainly deserve to find that kind of happiness. It is hard to feel any jealousy for someone who cares so much for others. Rosie and Ken are two such people. This year they both spent money to come and support me in my Team in Training event in Texas, and were there to sing "Happy Birthday" to me when I was so far from home and family.

I will never forget hearing Ken's voice as I came biking around the corner in Austin and seeing them both standing together with a sign during the race. Sometimes we don't get to pick who our family is, and there are other times when people who walk into your life fit the category of "family" better than friends.

You know I've never been the type
That would ever want to stay
Bring 'em home at night and they're gone the next day
But that all changed when she walked into my life
People ask me what it is
I tell them I don't know
Just something about the woman makes my heart go haywire
She's gonna be my wife

I also have to say that Ken and Rosie have taught me a lot of about what a good relationship should be about. While there is no such thing as perfect relationships, because there are no such thing as perfect people, Ken and Rosie have shown that good relationships are worth fighting for. Like any couple they have their moments, but they have also shown that good relationships start with strong foundations and communication. While they will have their struggles as a couple, I know that they will work through anything together because they truly love and respect one another.

When she loves me
Girl that's how I feel
When she loves me I'm on top of the world
Because when she loves me I can live forever
When she loves me I am untouchable

And I am also honored to be their friend, because Rosie asked me to be a part of the wedding. Although if you see my bra being padded its probably because of all of the kleenex I am going to have to stuff in there to keep the tears at bay. I am a total cryer at weddings.

Rosie and Ken, my friends, I love you both. I wish you the best of happiness in the world, and know that I will always be here for both of you!

As for you my blog readers, please leave a comment and congratulate Rosie and Ken, and perhaps inpart a word of two of your own advice on marriages and relationships!

She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
But couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
It comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is

Big Girls Don't Cry

2009-07-08T02:32:00.006-04:00

I promise I will post pictures and details of my trip back home to Cleveland soon, but I want to address something that has been weighing heavily on my heart. I hope you my friends bear with this longer than normal post, and take some time to reflect, comment, and pass this post along….

I am a big girl. I have always been a “big” girl and always will be.

I remember when I was a 5' tall third grader crying because I was too big for the girls department and having to wear a size 7 shoe. I remember being envious of those cute little girls who could swing their legs under their desk but I could barely squeeze my knees under the too small desk. I also remember the nicknames of high school like Giraffe, Xena, and Andre the Giant.

I still feel the pain of youth and feel old scars open up again when I get looks today.

I feel the cold sweat of dread walking into a mall with smaller, petite friends who could look at rack upon rack of cute, trendy clothes that would fit perfectly on their size 4 bodies. While I fingered the fabric longingly watching them twirl in the mirror in the fitting room, I knew that the fluorescent lights only emphasized the cellulite of my larger physique.

“Magazine fashion spreads and terms like “in season” were irrelevant, because my shopping strategy was If it fits, I own it. I tugged at tops and bottoms, hoping no one looked too closely, and paired short sleeves with sandals whenever possible. I developed an addiction to tank tops, the only fitting article of clothing I could pull from the racks of boring shopping outings with friends. Fashion was a spectator sport.” –Arianne Cohen, The Tall Book

I am a size 16, 6' tall, 230 pound blonde woman. While most little girls dreamed of becoming a princess, I hoped I would wake up one day and be 5'2'' and a perfect single digit size. I felt forever awkward at dances knowing that most men barely reach my chest. Or as I got older feeling like Shamu in pictures.

The only place I feel comfortable is on the athletic fields where my height and build was always appreciated for its stamina, speed, and strength. I showed more confidence on the college athletic fields then I did at fraternity parties where the smaller, more petite girls were the top choice.

I have grown up in a family where weight has always been an issue. I remember a loving grandmother who went from a vital woman to a miserable, frustrated and angry woman who watched her health rapidly deteriorate with her weight. I have flashbacks of her falling down when we were kids and being too big to get back up from the floor; her feeble legs being too weak to lift her massive weight from the living room floor. I remember the rescue squad needing four men to lift her up and seeing the embarrassed look in her face and knowing it mirrored the same look in my face.

I see the fear in my mother's eyes as she fervently hopes she doesn't become like my grandmother; unable to even take care of herself because of her obesity. I remember the stories my mother told me about undressing in the restroom in PE class because she didn't want to stand out next to her smaller, petite classmates in their coordinating underwear as she changed out of the clothes her mother made for her because she was too big to fit store made dresses. To this day my mom doesn't go shopping unless she is surrounded by her daughters who are there to coax and prod her into the fitting room at the big woman's clothing store which consists of racks upon racks of brightly colored clothing that transfer larger woman into circus tents. Black is a favorite color for my mother, and its quickly becoming one of mine.

And as I write this post I think of friends who struggle with weight and size; who are overlooked for dates because they don't fit into a perfect frame of ideal womanhood. I have been there too. People see my height and my size before they see anything else. Us “big” girls are the ones with big hearts, but who spend our lives in shame with shoulders sagging and heads bowed down under the impression that big is not beautiful.

I think of those people out there who are singularly blessed with good genes, like my boyfriend. Those people who brag of high metabolism and insist that they neither work out nor diet but can still fit into their high school jeans. These same people can simply think the word “skinny” and lose five pounds.

I think of people who wrongly believe that most "fat" people are fat because they aren't trying hard enough. That if you really wanted to be thin, you would work hard enough. That you MUST be doing something wrong, but only skinny people are doing everything right.

“When someone tells me that if enough people tell me I am fat, maybe I will become motivated enough to want to be skinny and do something about it. I just want to slit my wrists...Negative comments equal negative responses...No one gained love by being told they were hated by anyone. Being told you're fat isn’t the motivator for weight loss. Instead it’s a poisonous cyst that burrows into your heart and leaves you feeling isolated and so very alone.” – A anonymous friend (currently at 275 pounds who works out with a personal trainer every morning before work)

I don't know about you, but I don't know one single person who would choose to walk around with all that weight if positive thinking and determination is all that you needed to get what you want in life. Some people are genetically predisposed to getting cancer no matter how healthy their lifestyle, while other people will always be a little bit fat no matter how much they want or try to be thin, because somewhere in those 3 billion letters of their genetic code the translation doesn’t come out “slim”.

I am one of those people. I will always be a little bit fat, no matter how much I wish, want, or try to be different. For the most part, I have a good group of friends and family who love me for who I am.

But even they cannot shield me and others from the ignorance and foolishness of other people.

"Jesus don't love ugly, and let's face it, fat people are just plain ugly...We don't need to spend $100 billion every year on diet plans, pills, and how-to books, especially when research shows that nine out of ten fat people who lose weight put it all back on and then some eventually. It's a whole lot easier to have some covert operative do the job and get it over with. We have the ability to take obesity out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. A few well-placed bullets in the likes of Rosie O'Donnell will inspire people to get right with their weight real fast." - comments by Pat Robertson on a 700 Club Show in 2005

And even if we could ignore people like Pat Robertson, the comments that hurt us the most is the ones that come from the ones closest to us.

Today I went to the mall to find a pair of khakis for work and cried in the fitting room. I was unable to find a pair of pants due to my weight AND my height after searches in several stores and including the men's department of JC Penny’s. And as I tearfully stared at the khakis that were unable to fit above my ample hips, I remembered a fight with a loved from the night before. The jeering comment he made when he grabbed my stomach and rubbed it and mockingly said, "When is the last time you exercised fat ass?!" (A mere month after completing an Olympic distance triathlon.)

While this same person eventually apologized for his crude remarks, he isn’t truly sorry either. He like many people see distorted advertisements for weight loss supplements that promise instant weight loss and 6-pack stomachs, or weight loss programs featuring celebrities who have access to personal trainers not to mention ample free time on their hands.

And I am not faultless either, I will admit I have done my share of staring, pointing, and mocking someone of a larger weight. But if we tear away the outer shell of the person, do we really find that weight is a reflection of their inner person? Or rather do we find a society of people who carry the weight of the world (stress, family, job loss, poor health, etc) through excess fat who sometimes despite their efforts fight an uphill battle against a genetic foe already set at the moment of their birth?

The next time you pass through a mall and see a hefty man walking by or go with a loved one out to eat and see a larger woman ashamedly tell the petite hostess that she is simple too big to fit in the booth with her kids, ask yourself why they are really this way. Is it a choice? Is it life style? Or is it simply a chronic disease like hundreds of others that will leave personal and emotional scars on the person throughout their life?

I know I continue to carry the scars from my childhood and adolescence, while continuing to carve out new ones in my adult life. Yet I still walk with the knowledge that there are some people who celebrate and appreciate a big girl.

Pretty woman wonder where my secret lies
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies
I say,
It’s the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
-Maya Angelou

Think before you judge.

Making My Way Back To Cleveland

2009-06-23T20:56:00.004-04:00

Well folks, its amazing, this blogger has actually updated twice in one week! Tomorrow evening I am packing up the car, putting Stitch in the cat carrier, and bringing the Canadian (boyfriend) home to Cleveland.

This would the Canadian's first trip to Ohio and like most out-of-towners, he does a LOT of smack talking about a city he has never been to (not to mention he is Canadian!). I intend to change that opinion by filling our week home with friends, events, concerts, and lots of drinks. The Canadian is going to be introduced to the "inner circle" and this my friends is a HUGGGEEE step for me. As much as the Canadian blabs about how commitments and relationships are a big step for him, the man has had more dates and relationships than I.

As for me I am looking forward to falling back in love with my hometown with a few days visit. Nothing beats the smell of hotdogs at the "Jake" (Progressive Field) or putting back a few beers at the Great Lakes Brewery after a weekend visit to the West Side Market.

Stay tuned to this blog for details.

Sunrise

2009-06-22T15:23:00.001-04:00

Free And Easy Down The Road I Go...

2009-06-14T21:40:00.003-04:00

Thanks to everyone who has left me both words of encouragement and birthday wishes. I am happy to say that I had a wonderful 28th birthday surrounded by friends and supporting a wonderful cause. I completed the Capital of Texas Triathlon in 4 hours and completed my 3rd Team in Training event. Despite the suffering economy, 211 teammates and I raised over $780,000 for cancer research. My friends Rosie and Ken came for the weekend, and the Canadian went as well.

I finished my first year of teaching here in North Carolina and thankfully had my contract renewed. However with the continuing budget cuts in education, I still run the risk of being laid off, if another round of teacher lay-offs are required in July. I am ready for the summer and currently looking for another job to help pay the bills. Remember that us teachers may have the summers off, but we don't get paid for those 2 months off either.

I am off to Cleveland in a couple of weeks, and I am bringing the Canadian with me. It will be his first trip to Ohio and I am excited to show him my home town. He is the second man I have brought home to my family, but certainly the most important one. We are almost at 8 months and he has finally told me he loves me. I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off of me, and in the last few weeks things have been going a lot better. I am trying to keep my fingers crossed, but I really hope that God is leading me down the right path with this man.

Granted he can be insecure, uptight, narrow minded, and selfish sometimes, but I love him. He can also be a thoughtful, warm, caring, and loving man who makes me feel appreciated. Relationships for me have always been scary and heart breaking, and this one is probably the most frightening ever.

I am going to try and keep my blog updated somewhat more frequently now that summer is upon us, I hope you continue to visit my friend.

Musings From A Soon-To-Be 28 Year Old

2009-05-23T00:10:00.003-04:00

Hey folks. I am not sure if anyone still reads my blog, but I am finally updating after probably my longest absence ever from the blog world.

As like most of you during this recession, the stress of work, relationship, and finances have kept me busy and unfortunately frustrated. I am currently looking for a second job to earn the necessary funds I need to keep me afloat until things get better. I hope you are all doing better, and are hopefully in good health.

I am still with the Canadian, although things have certainly been up and down. He still refuses to commit and I am still feeling like I am trying to tread water. I am quickly approaching a crossroad where I have to make a decision. Do I love him enough to stay and hope he finally comes around? Or do I love myself more and find a guy who is completely ready to commit. Choices. Somehow I don't think I am going to be a winner in any of this.

I am also leaving for Austin tomorrow to complete my 3rd event with Team in Training through the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I am competing in the Capital of Texas Triathlon and of all the events I have trained for, I feel the least prepared for this one. So many things have prevented me from focusing, completing enough training, and feeling like I am not going to come a failure. I could certainly use some prayers and good thoughts as well.

I am also turning 28 on Sunday, and I don't feel as optimistic as I did last year as a new graduate with a new job and new move. Instead I feel old, frustrated, and incomplete. Something is still missing from this puzzle.

If you have a moment, leave a comment and tell me how you are doing my friends.

Piggy Backing On My Friends

2009-03-21T13:43:00.003-04:00

I got a gripe session, and perhaps some of you can help me answer a few questions. Or at least guide me with some advice here.

The Canadian and I have been dating for almost 5 months now, and most people would say at that point you should be somewhat serious about one another. I have made every effort possible to include the Canadian in my life and introduce him to my circle of friends. People who are very dear and very important to me. I have done everything I can to make him feel wanted and welcomed in that circle. It has come to the point that whenever we all plan something, I make sure to include him. Given that we do plan girls nights out, for the most part my circle is a co-ed group.

In fact the Canadian has taken it upon himself to piggy back on my friends, by friending almost all of them on Facebook. Let's not mention that when one of them defriended him for some very rude behavior on his part a couple months back. He can't stop mentioning it. I am sorry but they are MY friends and not yours.

So am I really that unfair to ask that after almost 5 months of dating that he at least attempt to introduce me to his group of friends? He always gives two excuses. One, that the opportunity has never arisen. Seriously, how hard is it to pick up a phone and say hey guys lets all go out for beers and why don't you bring the misses/girlfriend/significant other. The second excuse, well its a "guys" thing only. I understand that, but I think its pretty lame that you claim that its always a guys thing. I didn't realize that the "boys rule and girls drool" club was still in session. I thought we gave that up in grade school.

I don't care about his boys night out. What I do care about is that after 5 months of dating, I get to hear about all his friends, but I never get to meet them. I feel like the imaginary girlfriend. I promise I am not going to make a fool of you. Stop acting like my presence is so embarrassing, actually try to acknowledge your relationship in your OWN life or else stop piggy backing off my groups of friends. Because I am really sick of it.

He also claims that his real friends are in Canada, and its not fair to ask him about that. Well you know, his friend came into town and I made an EFFORT to get my group of friends together to go out. You can include your friend from Canada in your night out with your friends, but the girlfriend doesn't amount to jack shit.

Maybe I am more social and outgoing. Maybe I make friends easier, and he really doesn't have all that many people he can call a friend. But I refuse to go back to a relationship where my presence doesn't show up in my boyfriend's life.

Am I seriously just going overboard here with this gripe. Or do I really have a legitimate reason to wonder why it seems like his effort is minimal when it comes to including me in his life?

What Would You Do?

2009-03-14T11:13:00.002-04:00

The recession is hitting most Americans really hard. My family is one of those who are experiencing how bad the economy is. They are living in a city (Cleveland) that is dying. Old businesses and industries have left their blue-collar workers behind (steel, car companies, etc). My father was laid off in August and at 69 it does not look like anyone is willing to hire an aging mechanical engineer anytime soon. My parents have saved all their life for retirement and now what is left of their 401k has been burned off because of market crashes, kids in college, and trying to make a mortgage payment to keep the house my grandfather built.

In difficult times like this it is easy to get depressed and frustrated. And I will admit there are days when I feel both. But I am also equally blessed. I have family who love me, friends who care, and above all I have my health.

I knew that signing up for my 3rd Team in Training event was going to be crazy. I knew it would be harder to get donations the third time through. I knew that with the added effects of a crummy economy that getting people to be generous when most pockets are half-empty would be near impossible.

So why am I doing it?

We all know its not for the glory, I am one of the slowest people in my field. People in older age classes often pass me by. I am running on a bad knee, and risking re-injury everyday. I ran in miserable, rainy conditions today when I could be inside sleeping in on my day off.

I am doing this because as hard as it is for my family during this dark time, I cannot imagine having to deal with it while battling a life-threatening illness.

Can you imagine trying to make house payments, put food on the table, provide for your family, while figuring out how to make chemotherapy payments? HMOs are cutting insurance back, premiums are increasing, and even more Americans are without health insurance. I was without health insurance for 3 years because I couldn't afford a cheap policy.

Can you imagine fighting for your life or the life of your child while trying to keep your home? This is a time when we need generosity even more. We need to help one another and rely on each other for support. Even in this horrible situation we are all facing, there are thousands and millions of people who are battling for their lives on a daily basis. For some improving the quality of life and giving support during their darkest hour is the difference between failure and success.

If you think that one person cannot change or affect the life of another, you are wrong. You are saving a life, and your contribution WILL improve the life of someone.

Please help me raise my funds, and help me make my third event a success. In the end it does not matter my results or how fast I finish, but the money that is raised to help others. Please donate and please pass the word on to others.

Help those who struggle everyday to live.

In Like A Lion, Out Like A Lamb

2009-03-09T22:50:00.003-04:00

It is March, and its that time of year where the chains of winter begin to fall off and spring returns. Usually this time of year in Cleveland means another month of snow, gray, and mud. The temperatures are still brutally cold, and although a specific day of the calender is marked as spring, it doesn't really begin to feel spring like until mid-April.

This is not the case in Charlotte. We started the month off with a snowstorm that dropped 4 inches on the ground and ended the week with sunny skies. We are now into sunny days and 80 degree temperatures. As I drive around I see daffodils are in bloom and flowers budding on trees. Spring has certainly arrived in Charlotte and I love it! My chairs and table are outside, and in the evening I enjoy the sunset from my balcony.

Spring is also the time of the year when love begins to bloom. Its a time of beginning and a sense of renewal is in the air. This is the first time in many years that I am in the process of beginning a new and hopefully serious relationship with my Canadian.

However, being the impatient Gemini I am, its sometimes hard for me to be patient enough to actually let love bloom. Isn't this the time when I am supposed to savor every moment for what it is? A new experience?

Instead I constantly bite my nails worrying that the Canadian is going to see me, and find me not worthy enough of having his love. The longer it takes, the more fearful I seem to get. Shouldn't he fall instantly in love me?

I should look at love like the return of spring. That at first you don't see anything and doubt that it will arrive, but slowly as each day goes by, you begin to see more signs that it is arriving. And eventually you look outside and realize that everything is alive and in bloom. You realize that you stopped looking for the spring and instead enjoyed each day for what it was. A smooth transition.

Perhaps I should stop being so impatient for love and instead look at what is happening now. The subtle signs and moments that show me that maybe he is falling. That he sometimes looks at me a second longer than usual with a small smile on his face. That at night when he wakes up he reaches for me. The way he gently moves my hair out of my eyes. Making sure there is always orange juice in his fridge.

I should perhaps stop being a lion when it comes to love, and be more like a lamb.

You Spin Me Right Round

2009-02-23T18:14:00.002-05:00

I promised myself I was not going to post anything on my blog that wasn't at least half interesting or anything NOT related to the Canadian.

I just realized if I waited for one of those two things to happen. I would never be posting on my blog again.

I am sorry my blog readers (the two of you I have left), my life is sorely uninteresting. However, in the last 3 weeks I have started and finally finished the Twilight saga that everyone has been harping on me to read since this time last year. What can I say, I don't like to give in to fads. I started reading Harry Potter right around the time the fourth or fifth book was published. Needles to say, I loved the Twilight books and am now desperate to find something new to read. I think I am going to give into another fad (late again of course) and read the book "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown. Although, I have to say that his first book (or was it his second book?) was unfortunately predictable.

I am sadly in some dire straights with my donations for Team in Training stalling out. I am supposed to be mentoring seven other people to reach their goals, and I can't even get anyone to donate money to me. I know, rotten time to decide to do yet another triathlon, but frankly when does cancer wait for anything...even the crappy economy?!

The Canadian is off on his "mancation" in Vegas (man + vacation) with his friend back home. This falls a mere two days after his other buddy from back home flew in for a 4 day weekend during Valentine's Day weekend. Before you begin to think that my man might be batting for the other team, I assure you its just poor timing on his part, and not the fact he prefers the company of males over me. However, it is somewhat humorous that I had to share him with a man during a romantic holiday weekend. I guess I will just chalk it up to another one of his "barriers" to commitment.

Now before you start thinking I am sore at my "alien". I am the opposite. I miss him terribly to the point that its almost a physical pain. I know I am being down right silly and girly to miss a man who can't even slow dance with me in his apartment with a straight face. But at night I find myself missing the roughness of his hand in mine, and the way I just feel incredibly happy when he is near by. I know...someone get me the pepto bismo, too. When I have gotten so damn mushy over a boy?

Go ahead and roll your eyes. Because I am doing it too. But we all pretty much know that I have taken the plunge, and this time I did it with no indication that he is even prepared to feel the same way about me. Stupid, stupid girl.

I listened to him talk about Vegas and going to a strip club. And no, I wasn't put off like most girlfriends about him going, but hell...if you want a lap dance, buddy, I can give you one and I guarantee it won't cost you a 30 dollar cover charge! (I know, TMI!)

In the end, I guess even I was not prepared to feel so powerfully about someone who has difficulty keeping his internal pressure in check. But all I know, is that I am counting down the hours until he is home.

Gravity

2009-02-03T17:23:00.003-05:00

Well a brief update since my last somewhat frustrated post. The Canadian and I had a rough weekend. At one point it looked like the inevitable was approaching, a break up. We both admitted that not only are we two incredibly passionate people with well-informed ideas and beliefs, but we are obstinately stubborn to a fault. Instead of talking things through we were both guilty of letting things simmer to a boiling point. And that behavior almost led us to a regrettable decision.

At least on my part.

Despite how angry, frustrated, or upset I was with the Canadian these past few days. There is one thing that has not faltered, my feelings. From the very first date when I walked in the bar and saw this cute, lanky Canadian with a poor excuse of a Lumberjack beard, I knew there was a connection.

It feels like there is something that is pulling me closer to this person. Perhaps it is my own personal form of gravity. Whenever I am around him, I am drawn to him like some celestial moon to its planet. Even at our most bitter moment of dispute, I kept hoping he would cross the chasm between us and just...hold me.

And because of this magnetic pull, this physical force, I found myself reluctant to pull myself away. At times it sometimes even feels almost painful. I want to believe sincerely that God did not put him in my life to teach me another less about heart break. Rather, I am hoping that he is teaching me about what it means to be in a real, meaningful and significant relationship.

This kind of relationship takes work, and if perhaps, we both can weather our storms together and face our personal demons hand-in-hand, we might have a winning chance.

The Meaning of Friendship

2009-01-29T19:20:00.004-05:00

It is my joy in life to find
At every turning of the road
The strong arm of a comrade kind
To help me onward with my load.

And since I have no gold to give,
And love alone must make amends,
My only prayer is while I live-
God make me worthy of my friends.
~"A Prayer", Frank D. Sherman~

What does it mean to be a friend? Does being a friend mean that you are available for those Friday nights out and phone calls for gossip. Or does being a friend, mean that sometimes you sacrifice your own personal happiness for the happiness of friends?

How many friends do you have? And out of those many friends, how many can you truly count on? Which one would be there to answer the phone at 3am if you needed them? How many of them would be willing to drop everything just to come over so you didn't have to feel alone?

I been thinking about friends a lot lately. I been having a rough time at work these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed out. I been wondering if the stress level is actually worth the amount of pay I receive.

And of course I've been going through that blossoming stage of new relationships, when the one person you are with seems so perfect, until a major crisis hits. Don't get me wrong, the Canadian can be a really wonderful person. It just has to be on his time sometimes. His spent so much of his life alone, that I guess for him giving time to someone else is a huge sacrifice.

I have been big on wanting and needing to have relationship with someone who I could also call my friend. And frankly, the Canadian has been a pretty rotten friend of late. I am afraid to say that I don't think he can be counted in my list of friends who would be there for me.

In fact in so many words he told me in a text message, that the shoe would never be on the other foot. That he has learned to deal with things on his own and move on. And that was that. I felt as important and worthwhile as the soccer ball he kicks around on the playing field.

In fact, I am getting called into my second meeting in less than two weeks with my boss. And this time I have to bring documentation showing what I did this past semester in my classes, and what I plan on doing next semester. Simply because I didn't have the best classes and that I am working at lower socio-economic school.

How frustrating is it, to give everything you have to your job and simply not have the results to show for it. In this case, its because of one standard error of measurement.

I am 600 miles from home and have no family near by. I really count on my friends. And today is one of those days, I could really, really use a friend. Just to hug me or tell me that I am doing alright, and that I will make it through this.

I know I will. I am stronger than all of this. But sometimes you need to hear it from a friend.

I think I was wrong about the Canadian. And I really wish it was the over way around. I was really hoping I could count on him.

The World Has Changed, And We Must Change With It

2009-01-20T12:00:00.004-05:00

"Because I've been to the mountaintop... And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land...I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people will get to the promised land. And I'm happy...Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord." -Martin Luther King Jr.

"I will prepare and someday my chance will come." -Abraham Lincoln

Today, I am proud to be an American. Watching the inauguration and the swearing in of a man who carries the hopes and dreams of a nation in need of change. It brings goose bumps to my arms to watch millions of Americans in Washington and all over the country holding their breaths as our 44th president is sworn in.

President Obama please fulfill your promises and bring us the change we need. You are the dreams of milllions of Americans who now can believe anything is possible. From the steps of the Capitol building built by the blood and sweat of slaves, you have shown us that determination will prevail.

May God bless you and keep you safe, President Obama.

Just Keep Runnin' And Runnin'

2009-01-15T17:10:00.001-05:00

Well folks, this has become habit for me the past 2 years. But I am doing it again! I am once again participating in Team in Training. This time with a new chapter (Western Charlotte), and as a mentor for the triathlon team. On May 25, 2009 I will be participating in the Capital of Texas Olympic distance triathlon as a 3rd time Team in Training participant.

And as always I need your support, your encouragement, and your contributions. I know that in today's economy money is extremely tight and we tend to be even more thrifty with our money. But remember, cancer does not stop even during these troubled times. Imagine having to battle a long-term illness like cancer in an economy that is not stable. Where do you turn? Who do you go to for support? Thanks to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society no patient is turned away or told no. Even in this economy, the society has pledged to help all patients and their families battling blood cancers.

Please make a donation, and please add a link to my page to your blog or webpage. Together we can help find a cure!

Kristin's Triathlon Page

Year in Review: 2008

2008-12-30T16:38:00.003-05:00

I stole this from Kelly, here is my 2008 year in review...

2008 has definitely been a year to remember.. in good ways, and in bad. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

1. Fun

Cleveland Rite-Aid Half Marathon
Spending time with my friends
Titans vs. Browns at LP Field
Browns Backers Club 2008
Graduation Weekend

2. Not so fun

The endless INTASC thesis paper for graduate school
The endless busy work for graduate school requirements
The endless busy work I know how to do as a first year teacher
My 3 months in a factory this summer

3. Did you keep your New Year's Resolution, and will you make more for next year?

My resolution was to graduate, get a job, and move to North Carolina. I was successful on all 3 accounts. This year, its to drop about 30 pounds.

4. What countries did you visit?

No countries, but I did visit South Carolina, Tennessee, and moved to North Carolina.

5. What would you like to have in 2009, that you lacked in 2008.

Better financial security, and more money in the savings account.

6. What date(s) will be etched in your memory, and why?

May 16, 2008: My graduate school graduation
May 18,2008: The Cleveland Rite-Aid Half Marathon for Team in Training
August 3, 2008: The day I moved to North Carolina
October 25, 2008: My first date with the Canadian
December 7, 2008: Titans vs. Browns

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Graduating with a 3.98 with a masters degree in education after a grueling 11 month program, and completing my second event for Team in Training.

8. What was your biggest failure?

Not saving up enough money to have any sort of financial windfall. But I think a lot of people are in that boat this year.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yup. I sprained my MCL for the 3rd time about a month ago playing indoor soccer.

10. What was the nicest thing you bought?

My new washer and dryer for my apartment.

11. Where did you most of your money go?

Rent, bills, graduate school, moving expenses, food, and gas.

12. What did you really, really, really get excited about?

Graduating and moving to the south. My last couple of months dating the Canadian.

13. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008.

Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" (they played it everywhere)
Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy"
T.I. "Live Your Life"
Rascal Flatts "Here"

14. Compared to this time last year are you...happier or sadder? thinner or fatter? richer or poorer?

I am happier, fatter, and a little bit richer.

15. What do you wish you did more of in 2008?

More line dancing, more saving of money, and lots more exercise. More reading as well.

16. What do you wish you did less of in 2008?

Less procrastinating, less spending, and less being lazy.

17. How many one night stands?

I am pleading the 5th.

18. What was your favorite TV program?

Battlestar Galactica, Deadliest Catch, Project Runway

19. Do you hate anyone that you didn't hate last year?

Nope.

20. What was the best book you read in 2008.

Marley and Me.

21. What was your greatest musical discoveries of 2008?

Ray LaMontagne
Regina Specktor

22. What did you want and get?

New job, and a new start
New relationship

23. What was your favorite film of the year?

PS I Love You

24. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

I went to Tremont with the lovely Kelly to enjoy drinks at the Treehouse. I turned 27.

25. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably better in 2008?

More money.

26. What kept you sane?

My friends.

27. What public figure/celebrity did you admire the most in 2008?

Barack Obama. He is gonna change the world!
Hilary Clinton. Because she showed everyone that being a "strong" woman doesn't mean you have to be a bitch.

28. Who do you miss?

My friends and family back home in Ohio.
My uncle Fred who passed away in October

29. Who was the best new person you met in 2008.

The Canadian.

30. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

That in the end it doesn't matter what you do, where you go, and how you live. What matters is the friends and family who enrich and shape that life. Everything I have accomplished this year is because of their unconditional love and support.

31. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

It's amazin', what I let my heart go through

To get me where it got me

In this moment here with you

And it passed me by

God knows how many times

I was so caught up in holdin'

What I never thought I'd find

I know now

There’s a million roads I had to take

To get me in your arms this way

I'll Be Home For Christmas

2008-12-26T09:40:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you my blog readers! I am home for Christmas after a pretty lengthy journey home that embodied Murphy's Law. I should have known that God always has a sense of humor. You see my Canadian friend who will be late to his own funeral had the luxury of having every flight home on time. Whereas I who cannot stand to be more than a few minutes late anywhere, was delayed several hours on my only flight home.

The morning started off pretty well with the Canadian, his brothers, and I all heading to the airport bright and early. All three of them had carry on bags and printed boarding passes. I had a checked bag (now Continental charges $15 for the first checked bag) and a printed boarding pass. However upon arriving to the Charlotte-Douglas International Airport there was a line stretching at the ticket counter that wrapped around the front lobby. It wasn't that the airport was so crowded in the morning, just that there was 1 ticket teller for all those people, and they didn't have their kiosk machines up. So I had to check my bags in with curbside service.

I also get quite perturbed that with everything that has happened since 9/11 people still haven't figured out 1. the protocol for going through security (have boarding passes and id out, shoes off, belts off, coats off, etc) 2. what you can and cannot bring through security. So in average it takes me about 3 minutes to get through security, in reality to took me about 30 minutes to get through security with the 3 idiots in front of me.

After security, the Canadian and I hung out with his brothers while waiting for their flight to board (their flight was taking off 40 minutes before mine). The Canadian and I said our goodbyes, and the next thing I know I was wrapped in bear hugs by both his younger brothers. They are definitely sweet guys, and a lot of fun. I think if I can win over 2 younger brothers, I should be okay if I ever meet the rest of the family (*fingers crossed*).

Once they were loaded to their first destination (Washington DC to Buffalo), I headed over to my gate and my on time flight. Of course Murphy Law dictates that as soon as I got over there, the flight was now delayed due to ice on the runway at Hopkins. Why it took them till 6am to figure that one out is beyond me. Why weren't they just clearing before hand? And of course the waiting game...wait 20 minutes for an update...then 45 minutes just to say you have wait for another update....and so forth. Finally 2 and half hours after we were supposed to take off, we boarded.

Problems over right? Nope. We land, and my ride is stranded on the interstate 20 minutes out and unable to exit the highway. Apparently a massive accident occurred and 2 LifeFlight helicopters had to be flown in. Since they cannot land or take off with moving traffic on either side, all traffic on this major highway was shut down. So I waited another 40 minutes for my ride to even get me.

I also had plans for a lunch date with 2 of my college friends, and barely made it home in time to throw my suitcase in the house and get in the car for another 45 minute ride to our destination. So by the time I ate at 1pm, I hadn't eaten since 5pm the night before.

I have to laugh at this whole incident. I think God is trying to make me a little more patient, especially when I cannot control things such as time. If I have plans on staying with the Canadian for awhile, I have to learn that being late will be a bigger part of my life. Since his lateness is the one thing that will apparently never change.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday and a happy and healthy New Year!

Under The Mistletoe

2008-12-21T21:11:00.002-05:00

I finally finished wrapping the Canadian's Christmas gifts, problem is, my cat Stitch thinks its his personal responsibility to unwrap each present. So I have now hidden them in the laundry room, which has led to further frustration by my feline friend. Stitch has now figured out how to open the folding doors, and currently I am searching for a new place for these gifts.

The Canadian and I will have been together for 2 months on Christmas Day. Our first Christmas together will technically be spent apart, we are both flying back home for the holidays. I will be in Cleveland and he will be in Hamilton, Ontario.

But before we both leave, I am going to be meeting his two younger brothers. They are in town for the week visiting, and currently they are in Nashville enjoying the Titans victory. Originially I had invited the Canadian and his brothers over for dinner Monday night. Last night I got a text message saying that the Canadian is taking me to the Cheesecake Factory to meet his brothers. I was nervous before, and now knowing that this meeting with be at a very pricey restaurant in a very fancy neighborhood, I am scared.

What if they don't like me? Does the change in venue, mean he is more serious about me then I thought? Will he finally call me his girlfriend to my face, and in front of family? Am I going to actually admit outloud that I am falling for him?

40 Inspirational Quotes in 2 minutes

2008-12-17T16:57:00.003-05:00

I happened upon this latest viral video from the people at www.overthinkingit.com, and if you are a fan of the movies, you will love this video montage of some of the best inspirational movie quotes. Can you name all the movies?

So, if you need a good inspirational speech to get you through the rest of the work week (I know I need it), then enjoy the video!

Where There Are Friends, There Is Wealth

2008-12-06T12:43:00.002-05:00

Today is a good day. I am off to Nasvhille for the weekend with the "Canadian" to enjoy a weekend of football. It is pretty safe to say that my success rate this weekend will be at a much higher rate than my beloved Cleveland Browns when they take on the 11-1 Tennessee Titans. That has not prevented me from trading some smack talk with the Canadian over our perspective teams.

Last night we joined my friends for a Charlotte Checkers game (ice hockey). You can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of friends they keep. You can also usually tell the intentions of a guy in a relationship depending on how big an effort he puts into getting acquainted with your circle of friends. Not only has the Canadian successfully eased himself into my circle of friends, but my closest friends have also given that thumbs up of approval that we all seek when we introduce someone special.

For me, its a huge step. Three years of singlehood, can be a lifetime for some. I value my independence and my freedom. My friends are especially dear to me, and bringing a guy into the equation can be a huge event. And the effects are even more profound when the relationship breaks up.

So it is with some trepidation that I introduce the Canadian to my friends. Not because I don't think he isn't great, and a really sweet guy. It is because I fear the more I entangle my life with his..the more attached I become.

So far its been wonderful. The kind of relationship I have dreamed of and envied for years. This is someone, I could really see myself with. Someone who I could really fall for, if I am brave enough to let myself go...and simply fall.

But then time will only tell. Until then, I am having a good time. Seeing my friends laugh at the Canadian's jokes, give me those winks of approval, and happily add him as a friend in our circle makes my heart swell with pride.

World AIDS Day: Lead, Empower, Deliver

2008-12-01T17:10:00.007-05:00

As is the tradition with my blog for the past 3 years, today I would like to recognize the 20th anniversary of World AIDS Day.

World AIDS Day is observed every year on December 1st. The World Health Organization established World AIDS Day in 1988. World AIDS Day provides governments, national AIDS programs, faith organizations, community organizations, and individuals with an opportunity to raise awareness and focus attention on the global AIDS epidemic.

In 2007, the estimated number of persons living with HIV worldwide was 33.2 million and there were 2.7 million people newly infected. Over 2.1 million people died from AIDS in 2007, including 330,000 children.

AIDS is a global disease which affects millions of people every day. AIDS is a killer which does not discriminate based on age, race, gender, religion, ethnicity, economic status, or sexual oreintation.

Please take a moment today to remember those individuals who are afflicted with the disease, the many millions who have lost their lives to this disease, and the millions of individuals who will be diagnosed with this disease in the upcoming year.

Today as ever before, on the 20th anniversary of this day of remembrance, we need to continue to push for government funding for research, educational programs to inform the public, health services to care for the afflicted, and the determination to find a cure for this devasting disease.

Lead. Empower. Deliver.

Happy Turkey Day!

2008-11-26T20:02:00.004-05:00

I wanted to take a moment to wish all my blog readers out there a very happy Thanksgiving! I just finished putting up Christmas decorations, including my first Christmas tree. Which my cat, Stitch, is presently sleeping under after running around the apartment with a toy in his mouth. This is of course much better than twenty minutes before when he was trying to climb the tree. Last year he had his paw going up the angel's skirt (typical male!).

I am also pumped because in a matter of hours my mom and sisters will be arriving for a family holiday. The first time I will be hosting a family gathering on my own at my new place. I am excited!

And this Thanksgiving, I am thankful once again for the many friends who give me unconditional love on a daily basis.

Last night I had a really bad scare. I was playing defense in an indoor soccer game when I heard a very loud pop and immediately fell to the astro turf like a rock. The pain was so bad, I thought I was going to vomit on the field. After three hours in the ER, I thought I was looking at an ACL tear and surgery. An option that would not be very good for me given my full time teaching status and my single lifestyle (3rd floor apartment and an injury on my driving leg).

Not only did the guy I was dating offer to take me, but he stayed with me the whole time at the ER. My friends called and offered help to get groceries, go to the doctors, pick up prescriptions, say prayers, etc. Even though my knee feels rotten I feel truly blessed.

I managed to see an orthopedic surgeon today who gave me some better news. My ACL is not torn, instead he thinks I have a severely strained MCL (3rd time for this knee). Which means I am looking at a recovery of a few weeks, instead of months. Not to mention, no surgery would be involved.

So while I am sore, in a lot of pain, and on crutches with an immobilizer, I am thankful for friends and family in my life who are willing to call me at 3am to make sure I am okay.

And as I leave you this holiday season, a video about a boy's dying wish and the gift of love to others.

And If You Just Can't Bare To Be Alone Then I'll Stay

2008-11-23T23:40:00.002-05:00

Well I might be damned later for posting this. Somehow I have a way of jinxing myself when it comes to romance.

But I have meet someone. Someone who I could actually really like. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who might just be as big of a goof ball as me.

And perhaps someone who is even more scared of commitment then me. Sadly enough, I always seem to want people who don't always want me as much in return.

I really hope this one turns out different. I really am hoping that this one works out....for once.

Did I mention he is Canadian? Go figure.

But joking aside. This feels right.

Have you ever met someone who you just clicked with? Instantly? Who you felt like you have known all your life? I know it sounds cliche, but for some reason it feels like I have always known him, he just...was on an extended vacation.

And this morning, he told me, "No matter what happens, I want you to always be in my life. Even if its just as a friend."

What do you say to that? That you want him to be in your life too, but please don't break a heart that has been broken before? That everytime you get burned its gets a little harder to pick up the pieces.

That you are absolutely terrified its gonna be your last chance to get it right.

If I Were A Boy

2008-11-17T00:30:00.002-05:00

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she'd be faithful,
Waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girlI swear
I'd be a better manI'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

50 Things You May Not Know About Our President-Elect

2008-11-10T17:23:00.002-05:00

From an article in a recent newspaper, here are 50 things about President-Elect Barack Obama that you may not know.

I think impressively enough, is that like many Americans today, he struggled to pay off student loans. Or that he was rejected for a pin-up calender at Harvard.

Which of these 50 things about our soon to be president, surprise you?

50 Things You Don't Know About Barack Obama

• He collects Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics
• He was known as "O'Bomber" at high school for his skill at basketball
• His name means "one who is blessed" in Swahili
• His favourite meal is wife Michelle's shrimp linguini
• He won a Grammy in 2006 for the audio version of his memoir, Dreams From My Father
• He is left-handed – the sixth post-war president to be left-handed
• He has read every Harry Potter book
• He owns a set of red boxing gloves autographed by Muhammad Ali
• He worked in a Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop as a teenager and now can't stand ice cream
• His favourite snacks are chocolate-peanut protein bars
• He ate dog meat, snake meat, and roasted grasshopper while living in Indonesia
• He can speak Spanish
• While on the campaign trail he refused to watch CNN and had sports channels on instead
• His favourite drink is black forest berry iced tea
• He promised Michelle he would quit smoking before running for president – he didn't
• He kept a pet ape called Tata while in Indonesia
• He can bench press an impressive 200lbs
• He was known as Barry until university when he asked to be addressed by his full name
• His favourite book is Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
• He visited Wokingham, Berks, in 1996 for the stag party of his half-sister's fiancé, but left when a stripper arrived
• His desk in his Senate office once belonged to Robert Kennedy
• He and Michelle made $4.2 million (£2.7 million) last year, with much coming from sales of his books
• His favourite films are Casablanca and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• He carries a tiny Madonna and child statue and a bracelet belonging to a soldier in Iraq for good luck
• He applied to appear in a black pin-up calendar while at Harvard but was rejected by the all-female committee.
• His favourite music includes Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, Bach and The Fugees
• He took Michelle to see the Spike Lee film Do The Right Thing on their first date
• He enjoys playing Scrabble and poker
• He doesn't drink coffee and rarely drinks alcohol
• He would have liked to have been an architect if he were not a politician
• As a teenager he took drugs including marijuana and cocaine
• His daughters' ambitions are to go to Yale before becoming an actress (Malia, 10) and to sing and dance (Sasha, 7)
• He hates the youth trend for trousers which sag beneath the backside
• He repaid his student loan only four years ago after signing his book deal
• His house in Chicago has four fire places
• Daughter Malia's godmother is Jesse Jackson's daughter Santita
• He says his worst habit is constantly checking his BlackBerry
• He uses an Apple Mac laptop
• He drives a Ford Escape Hybrid, having ditched his gas-guzzling Chrysler 300
• He wears $1,500 Hart Schaffner Marx suits
• He owns four identical pairs of black size 11 shoes
• He has his hair cut once a week by his Chicago barber, Zariff, who charges $21
• His favourite fictional television programmes are Mash and The Wire
• He was given the code name "Renegade" by his Secret Service handlers
• He was nicknamed "Bear" by his late grandmother
• He plans to install a basketball court in the White House grounds
• His favourite artist is Pablo Picasso
• His speciality as a cook is chilli
• He has said many of his friends in Indonesia were "street urchins"
• He keeps on his desk a carving of a wooden hand holding an egg, a Kenyan symbol of the fragility of life
• His late father was a senior economist for the Kenyan government

Baracked the Vote!

2008-11-05T19:03:00.002-05:00

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

"I will prepare and someday my chance WILL come." -Abraham Lincoln

Rock the Vote!

2008-11-04T00:14:00.003-05:00

Today will be a historical presidential election, for better or for worse, today will go down in the history books. While millions of Americans head to the polls to cast their votes, the eyes of the world will watch to see who America chooses.

I am hoping that today my fellow Americans finally decide they want real change. I hope that all those stupid rednecks out there finally get a brain cell or two, or at least get too drunk to show up to the polls.

I hope that this time tomorrow I can say that Barack Obama is our next president, and not some old white male and his gun toting Annie Oakley sidekick.

Today is your responsibility to vote. Use it well.

All Souls' Night

2008-10-31T19:12:00.002-04:00

Happy Halloween to everyone today as children both young and old celebrate this old Pagan festivity. Back in ancient times, Halloween was the beginning transition from fall to winter, with crops being harvested and preparation for the long cold season. Halloween was also a time where households would open their doors on All Souls' Night to welcome in the departed with food and drink. On this night, people believed that the living and the dead would mingle together, and help renew the circle of life and death. Lighted fires were set into windows to act as beacon to welcome those lost loved ones home. One of the many reasons why Jack-O-Lanterns are a popular symbol of this holiday.

It is somewhat appropriate on this night, that my family back home is opening up their own doors and welcoming family members in rememberance of my uncle Fred who passed away on Tuesday from cancer. My family and I believe that my uncle is now around the family kitchen table drinking coffee and sharing in their stories of life with my grandmother, grandfather, and great grandmother who departed this life years before. At this hour of night, we are comforted by the fact that loved ones are never truly lost, and that maybe for this night only we find ourselves reconnected with the ones we have lost.

Tonight I may not be setting out a Jack-O-Lantern, but instead I am lighting a candle to my uncle Fred to remind his spirit that he will always have family who loved him.

The Bro Code

2008-10-21T19:00:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you gotta love guys and their "bro" code. But can any guy tell me exactly how many articles are in this said bro code?

And ladies, if the guys have a code, could we also say that there is in existence a "girl" code as well? I certainly have a few codes or rules that us ladies tend to live by.

So let's hear it, what code do you live by?

Three Years

2008-10-11T14:06:00.002-04:00

Since my last post, my blog's 3rd anniversary has come and gone. And over 400 posts later, perhaps its time to reflect on the things that have happened to me since beginning my first post over three years ago.

1.) Since beginning this blog, I broke up with a loser boyfriend and have been single since (3 years). I have gone on some crazy ass first dates including Lt. Dan and the blind date who puked on himself.

2.) I have lost a family member, two high school classmates, a child I cared for at the group home, and a beloved cat. I am preparing to lose another family member soon.

3.) I finished my undergraduate degree, quit the job I hated, and went to graduate school.

4.) I moved from Ohio to North Carolina to start a new job and begin a new chapter in my life.

5.) I decided to give back a little more, and joined Team in Training. This blog details the trials I went through in preparing for an Olympic distance triathlon and a half-marathon.

6.) I traveled to Seattle twice to visit my best friend. Pictures of pole dancing were included.

7.) I saw New York city for the first time and the site of the World Trade Center. I went back to Vermont for the first time since breaking up with Lee in 2001. I learned that Brattleboro likes nude people.

8.) I went to Atlanta and met Kevin Sorbo, and learned that even Storm Troopers like to dance with pirates, gypsies, and Harry Potter fans.

9.) I raced in Philadelphia following the steps of Rocky Balboa. I learned that the steps to the art museum weren't that difficult to climb.

10.) I visited Chicago on two occasions to my painter sister and learned how cold the Windy City actually is in January.

11.) I attended my first Browns game after winning an end zone dance competition, and several Indians games along the way.

12.) And finally, in my three year journey throughout my blog I have learned a little more about myself. Mainly about who I am and what I want. I have stopped focusing so much on the bad dates and bad relationships, and more on how my life is focused on work. My friendships have evolved and changed, and my family still remains the same.

When you chose to chronicle a piece of your life on a public site, you are opening up your personal world to the scrutiny of others. My hope is that throughout the years you have been able to relate to some of my problems, challenges, and trials. You have laughed with me, and perhaps even cried too. Blogging allows us to see the human in as all. To understand that we all have highs and lows, we all fly and fall sometimes.

Thank you for being there with me these past three years, I hope you will stay for another few years more.

Sending Out Hugs

2008-09-14T11:25:00.002-04:00

The last couple of weeks has been stressful on the family front. The old moniker of "When it rains, it pours.", seems to be holding true for my family. Except perhaps its more of a torrential down pour.

My uncle Fred, my grandmother's baby brother, and the last link I have to the grandparents I never really knew is dying. A hard-working, no nonsense man who could tell you what he payed on his electric bill in 1964 is suffering from dementia brought on by terminal cancer. Cancer has spread from his gall-bladder into his liver.

This tall, strapping man is now wasting away to a shell. It pains my mother to see him slip away like this, it brings up the old pain of when she watched my grandfather pass away from lung cancer. Our only hope is that he goes swiftly and without too much suffering. They have upped his pain medication again, and the toll is hard on my Aunt Holly.

Holly married Fred when she was 18. An old-fashioned marraige, Holly never worked and at 74 doesn't even have her driver's license. She has always depended upon the man in her life to provide and take care of her. When Fred passes, it will be the first time in her life she will be alone. The thought is as terrifying as the loss of her husband.

Cancer is ugly, dreadful disease that will affect us all at some point in our life. My heart goes out to anyone who will have to watch a loved one waste away from this tragic disease. I feel bad because I am 3 states away and unable to return home.

And if matters couldn't get worse, my mother called me today in distress. Her brother, Milton, an uncle that my family has been estranged with for the past 25 years is suffering from Alzheimer's. My uncle physically abused my mom as a child, and later in life, his wife and children. No one has really talked about it, but we also suspect he may have sexually abused his children as well. His children are all grown up, married, and raising family with no thought of their despicable father in their life. Yet, he is still blood and my mother's big brother.

Milty's mind has always been questionable, but now his mind is irreversible gone with scans showing that over 50% of his mind is taking over by Alzheimer's and dementia. Although you can claim that karma is taken over for his lifetime of abuses, no one should have to slowly lose the concept of who they are.

We have also found out that a woman has been taking advantage of his illness, and being using his credit card and checking account to make purchases for herself in the sign of good friendship. Ironically enough, it is one of my mother's clients whose aunt lives near my uncle. My mother has asked her boss to give her to another case worker, and currently they are trying to get the woman on charges of fraud. My mother is helping this woman by getting her the quality care she needs for her children and instead this woman is ripping off her brother.

My uncle is 59 and the nearby home who takes in Alzheimer's patients will not take in anyone under the age of 62. Now begins the painful process of getting a power of attorney and deciding who in his family will take it. I know my mother, I have a feeling in the end it will be us.

Moving At The Speed Of Light, Into Eternity...

2008-08-30T20:29:00.003-04:00

Sorry folks about the lack of an update. Life has been literally moving at the speed of light since my move down to Charlotte. Not only am I teaching a full load but I am also the varsity (and junior varsity) volleyball coach at my new school. Life has been good, and I am SO GLAD I decided to make the move down South.

I am constantly busy, but now I get to enjoy a social life outside of work. Don't get me wrong, I am not going out every night. I am not really going out every weekend either, but life is certainly different for me. I am around people my age, I get to see friends on a regular basis, and most importantly I get to be a twenty-something year old in a young, vibrant, and growing city.

Stitch is also adjusting to life as an only pet, and I feel bad that my work keeps me away from home for almost 12-14 hours a day. I barely have time to spend quality time with my pet, I completely realize that I have absolutely no time to commit to a relationship with anything but a cat right now. But life is so good!

I know I was sent to the school I am working at for a reason. I am working at a school with lower achieving students who come from some difficult situations. I am not making the best of money, but I am doing what I love. I just hope that what I am doing, helps to make a difference in the life of a few kids.

I hope all my readers are well, and I invite each of you to come and see what the Carolinas have to offer!

In The Morning I'm Leavin', Makin' My Way Back To Cleveland

2008-08-03T06:55:00.001-04:00

Goodbye Cleveland! I am leaving you for another woman, her name is Charlotte.

Heads Carolina, Tails California

2008-07-28T02:32:00.002-04:00

This time next week, I will be a Charlottean. I still haven't started packing. Haven't had the time, and it feels like once I start reality will hit that I am leaving my home. The road is wide open, and what happens beyond this week will be all my doing. No excuses, the choices are now officially all mine.

I said goodbye to my college girlfriends when we went out for Natalie's bachelorette party. Had way too much to drink, and realized that in many ways as much I will always love Cleveland, I am glad to be moving on.

Things have been stressful here at home, even if you factor out my move down South. My father lost his job this week, and unless he finds employment soon, things are going to be very tough for my family. My dad is even talking about selling the house which has my mom in tears. My dad is no longer young, and is in a career field that is filled with young, vibrant individuals with the latest technological tools.

Sadly, we also found out that my Uncle Fred is dying of cancer. Having lost my grandparents at an early age, my uncle Fred is one of the few remaining relatives who are left on my mom's side of the family. He is my grandmother's baby brother, and has kept the memory of my grandparents alive through his stories. It is one of the last links I have. We haven't been given a lot of information, but it doesn't look good. I don't think he will be around much longer and I feel guilty about moving out of state with this going on (my dad's job loss and my uncle). I know that if Fred does pass away, there will be no one way I can get back up to Ohio for a funeral.

So please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers in the next few weeks as things continue to be stressful. The next time I post it will most likely be from my new location, Charlotte.

I wish you all the best!

Haven't You Heard, I'm Stuck On A Verse

2008-07-13T23:22:00.004-04:00

I may not have a signed contract yet, but I have my North Carolina teaching license with master's designation. I also got a great voicemail from my new "boss" reassuring me that I will be signing my contract when I am moved down and that I am desperately needed at their school. I also found out that I am getting my own classroom, which is huge considering that most teachers especially in public high schools end up sharing a classroom their first few years as a teacher.

You know how sometimes you find yourself stopping during a moment and saying this is something I will remember forever. Those life changing moments. I know that what is happening to me right now is one of those life changing moments. I finally feel "grown up". This unknown chapter in the story called my life is sometimes terrifying, but such anticipation and excitment! I hope Charlotte is the place where I will be finally setting down roots. I am ready to be the person, I know I am.

I am closing doors here in Cleveland, and finding out that I am not the only one. I attended a wedding of a friend this weekend, who reminded me again why love is worth fighting for. I helped a friend pack up her apartment as her and her fiance are moving to Arizona to start a life together.

I wonder, what this year will bring, and what things I will be saying on my blog a year from now. Will I be happy? What surprises will await? What challenges await? Will I still be dateless?

What about you my dear friends? What things do you see yourself blogging about a year from now?

T-Minus 31 Days

2008-07-04T02:44:00.002-04:00

In a month from now, I will be shedding my Northern Yankee skin and my Midwestern accent for the trappings of a Southern Belle. I just confirmed my reservation tonight for my rental truck, and still have no contract signed yet for my teaching job.

I am going to puke. Not only do I have absolutely no furniture to go into my beautiful new apartment, but I am not sure I am going to have a lot of money to even live on until then. Yes, I am working my ass off. I am working overtime and spending my waking moments in a hot factory instead of doing what I really want to do. Giving the city, my friends, and my family the send off they deserve. I love them to pieces, and I am going to miss them all.

I am starting a new chapter in my life, and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for all those wonderful people in my life who supported me along the way. Who believed in me, even when I felt like throwing in the towel. The same people who think I am going to take Charlotte by storm. When in truth, I am scared shitless. I am afraid I am going to drive the rental truck off the side of a mountain on my way down.

There is so much to be done. So little time. No contract. I am worried (as usual).

I am going to miss Cleveland. I just wish I had more time to say goodbye to Cleveland.

I wish I had a signed contract.

Talking About A Bunch of Shhhiiifft Work, A Big Ol' Pile of Shift Work

2008-06-20T01:08:00.002-04:00

Hello folks, life has been busy. I wish I can say it has been busy with fun and exciting things, seeing the world, living the life, and having a blast my few weeks remaining in the good old state of Ohio and the city of my birth. I haven't even gotten to see a Tribe game yet this season, and I fear I may not be able to do so before having to leave town. (No one to go with or to take me.)

The last few weeks I have returned to the life of a shift worker, that would be 2nd shift worker. I thought once I got offered a job that would have me as a salaried worker, that I would never return to the days of being told when to eat, use the bathroom, and take a break with a work clock involved. Now I actually I have my watch set on when the bell will ring for break, lunch, and the end of the shift.

I have been working in a factory doing assembly work putting together containers for big companies who will put parts into them and send them to their factory floors for their own workers to take out and use to put something together. You don't need even a high school diploma to work there and besides the engineers on the floor, I am probably the only person on the work floor with a masters degree. Most of my co-workers shake their heads and assume that most individuals holding advanced degrees should be sipping margaritas beach side during the summer. Not sweating next to them in 90 degree heat.

But I like the job, its easy. A trained monkey can do it. I like interacting with the people on my shift, and I like being able to joke around. The upside is that I have been working 50-60 hour weeks with overtime pay. However, all this shift work is allowing me to make the move to Charlotte and put first month's rent down on a beautiful, brand new apartment.

How is your "summer" going?

Reflections On My 27th Year

2008-06-01T21:24:00.004-04:00

Happy birthday to all you Gemini babies! I apologize for the lack of updates in the past couple of weeks. A lot has happened.

I graduated from graduate school and am now the proud holder of a MA in Education and an additional $40,000 in debt. I have a high school teaching job, and will be moving to Charlotte, NC in the beginning of August with Stitch into a brand new one bedroom apartment.

I also completed the Cleveland Rite-Aid Half-Marathon in just 3 hours, and with my 118 teammates raised over $270,000 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I got my alumni jacket, and my second finisher's medal in an endurance event. I am now just one event away (a century ride) from my Triple Crown.

I turned 27 on May 24th and celebrated a birthday once again as a single girl. But I didn't get to celebrate alone, and once again was blessed to find out how full this single girl's life really is. I have wonderful friends, a brand new job, and a whole new adventure awaiting me in the South.

Yes I am still running wild, and looking for the right guy to run wild with me. I have stumbled a few times, and paused to look around me. I have felt the pressure that most females my age endure when one is single, and haven't been in a relationship for a while (almost 3 years).

Yes I want love. I want it all. I just know that if it is meant to be, then it will be. No matter how much I may fuss and want it to happen right now. It will happen when the time is right.

So in the meantime, I am starting a summer job and saving up for the move down south. I am looking forward to finally starting my career, and a part of me dreams of Mr. Right.

But as I look forward to my 27th year, I know that I am alright. That who I am is pretty damn good. That what is ahead for me is exciting, thrilling, scary, and liberating.

My 27th year is dedicated to all my girl friends who like me are still looking and hoping for the right one, yet still living our lives the way we want to. Balls against the wall, and our heads held high!

I Did It!

2008-05-16T23:11:00.002-04:00